Moved To Wordpress

Hi guys, I have shifted my blog from blogger to wordpress. Its still going through a lot of changes. Anyways, here is the link to the new blog. Life & Times

Everything is pretty much the same. But I have been meaning to move for a long time. And I finally got the time to do so.

Hopefully, I will see you at the new address. It is https://sumaicasad.wordpress.com/.

Adieu !

SAP

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A Letter To Strong And Independent Women

Dear Nataliya, Nadia and Waliya Khan,

May 29, 2015. 

You do not know me but I know you guys quiet a bit. You see, I have been following you as a blogger and as a photographer for almost three years. That is a long time. Sharing a part of you on the internet lets the other person see that version of yourself.

The first time I came across you guys was through a friend who showed me this photograph, taken by Waliyah of your Dad's army uniform. Then I  read about your father passing away from cancer and the hard time you guys went through. I cannot say that its over. Because losing someone is never over. Its an ongoing journey that just gets older as time passes by. That does not make it any easier or any less painful.

Picture taken by Waliya Najib

When I read about your father, I thought to myself that I could feel the pain you guys felt. Because I have lost loved ones in my life. Things that you go through everyday. The fact that he is not at the dining table for breakfast in the morning. Or his empty wardrobe are all reminders of who he was.

I never fully realized what you felt until now. My father was in an accident on April 5. Long story short, he was unconscious for 23 days and underwent 8 major surgeries and numerous minor ones. The first time I saw him, lying on that hospital bed, hooked to a million machines, I thought of you guys. I thought of the hole that is in your lives. And I could not get over on how you do it.

He is a lot better now. He is awake. He is still in ICU but he is doing much better. You see you lost your father and I was about to loose mine. Now I know what you all endured. I know how it felt sitting in that hospital numb to the core, praying for your father's recovery.

Losing someone you love is very hard. You think that you cannot function without them. You believe that that loss is the hardest thing you will ever endure. But when its a parent on that losing table, the story completely changes.

I do not know why I am writing this letter to you guys. Maybe because I want to convey my words to you all. Or because I want you to know that you guys are strong beyond words.

Life is very hard. And the society we live in, is also very cruel. It doesn't wait a second to take advantage of you.

I prayed a lot for your father. He must have been a great man because he has left behind his daughters as his legacy. And when I read Nataliya's thoughts, I see the upbringing you all had. I see the love and care he bestowed upon you guys. And I see you all, living life the way he taught you.

One day, I want to meet you guys in person. I want to see for myself, those people who have been through so much in so little time. I want to experience your courage in real life.

I want you to know that our society needs more girls like you. We need more independent strong women who can handle things themselves, who are not afraid of anyone.

I wish I could say that it will all be okay. And it will be. But it will never be the same.

Your kids will never get to hear about the time you guys moved houses 9 times. Nano won't be there to plan the holidays 6 months before their arrival. Or stock the pantry with their favourite snacks. Or give them endless rides as a horse or a lion.You won't get the chance to have long discussions over a cup of Chai. You won't be able to tell him that his tie is crooked. Or that his laugh makes you laugh. Or that you will miss his views on Imran Khan's second marriage.

August 2, 2015.

My father finally came home on 22nd July 2015. We spent our Eid in the hospital, eating Biryani for breakfast and lunch, eating Almond Delight out of a dish. He had another 3 hour surgery on the third day of Eid, where steel rods were put in his leg. But he is okay. He is home. And he is okay.

You three are an example to many of us. You are a ray of sunshine because looking at you makes me realise that you can get through hardships in life. You can do it. Whether you are a girl or a guy, that is irrelevant. Gender has nothing to do with being strong or standing up for your parents.

People say that boys are ones shoulder in old age. I give these people your example.

My prayers and best wishes are always with you guys. I hope Anya grows up to admire her grandfather as much as I do. I hope that your mom continues to pain, write and inspire many more people. I hope all of you get the best of everything, today and always.

Yours sincerely,

SAP

.........

Day 4, July 2, 2015

12:20 pm

I am on a very good sleeping schedule these days. I mean, I am sleeping less and am still active throughout the day instead of dousing every few seconds. I sleep after Fajr which is 4:00 am in the morning and than wake up at 10:30 am.

Here is the problem though. I haven't been productive like I always dream to be. By that I mean, I have been watching Scandal. That is all I have been doing for the past four days. I would not mind it in normal circumstances but when your life is on the line, it kinda becomes important.

I do not know how to stop. The only way I know is to finish it.

4:38 pm

It was suggested today that I am a big spender. Unlike a loyal obedient wife, I don't save every tiny penny that comes out of my husbands pocket. Instead, I get late night ice creams and eat out on weekends. I buy shoes, clothes and books. I indulge in things that I shouldn't. I spend money when instead I should be saving it to buy property, build houses in Pakistan and buy Gold as a means of saving. Property that will sit there as some sort of back up, houses I will never live in and Gold that will sit in a bank locker only to be weighed and paid Zakat for, every year.

First of all, I don't think that I am a big spender. If I look back on this year, my biggest expense would probably be my books. All of whom are paid by the pocket money I receive. I have bought one pair of shoes, that also in sale. Its not because I could not. Its because I did not need any more shoes. I already have a lot.

The one thing I did go all out on was Abdullah's wardrobe. And trust me, that needed updating. Because it looked like a homeless person's wardrobe where half the clothes didn't fit him and half weren't even his. So, yes. I did buy a lot of stuff. Because I like men to be well dressed. They deserve to.

I am pretty proud of myself for the fact that I have controlled the way I spend money and have bought things that I know I will use. So when you hear someone tell you that what you are doing is wrong. It hurts like a bitch.

It makes you realize the mistake you have made of considering your husbands money as your own. It makes you hate yourself for getting married before finishing your studies, before standing on your own feet, before being independent enough to not listen to someone slap you across your face with words.

The worst part is that we did save money. And we spent it, doing something good for them.

People say that I don't have responsibilities. That's why I can spend money on things like food and clothes. As if living with In laws was not the biggest responsibility ever.

Nonetheless, let me make one thing every clear.

Even when I am responsible for feeding, clothing and educating my family, I am not going to spend money buying houses in places I do not know whether I will live in or not. Instead, I will continue eating out on weekends. And watching movies. And going bowling. I won't buy heaps of gold to add to my stash. Instead, I will be taking a vacation. Somewhere out of country, where my kids will get to experience different cultures and acquire knowledge. I will be spending on Disneyland tickets, ice skating rinks and seeing the view from top of the Burj Khalifa. That is how I will be fulfilling my responsibilities.

And if need be, I will be okay to cut down on all these things. But don't for a second think that I will deprive myself and my family the chance to live a life in the moment in order to make a life in the future.

I have been blessed enough that I was given a lot of things on my wedding. And I intend to keep those as my saving. I don't need a lesson in saving money for the hard times. I don't need to be told to keep it in control.

If there was one thing I was taught, that was to spend what is my budget. And believe me when I say that, even when I am buying a double scoop ice cream, I know that its in my budget. You can set your own budget. You can set rules for how you have spent your life and want to continue doing so.

But please, I don't agree with your views. Please, let me set my own budget. For once, let me do what I want. Let me be who I want to be.

Adieu !

SAP
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Day 3, July 1, 2015

Here is the thing. I love birthdays. I love buying flowers, blowing up balloons, spending 5 hours baking and decorating a cake, buying the perfect gift, wrapping it Pinterest worthy and then surprising the person in question. I love all that. And I try to do that for everyone. At least family members.

The problem is fitting these celebrations has become a challenge in my budget. Not that I ever have a budget. I try to be all sophisticated and save money. But I end up using Abdullah's card on everything then. Technically that is still saving. Anyway, I was just figuring out in my head the various upcoming birthdays, welcome backs and congratulations. And it dawned upon me that I am going to end up in debt even before the month is up.

Story of my life.

I do not know why I am in love with it. But I am. And I would not have it any other way.

I didn't do much today. I went to Ikea and ended up coming back empty handed. Which is no small accomplishment, I tell you. I love Ikea. My first visit was to the one in Jeddah as a tween. I loved it back then and I still love it now. I love how you can take so many individual pieces from all across the shop and create something beautiful out of it. It is one of those shops that lets your creative side free to dance around and throw paint on the wall.

I have a weird obsession with house makeovers. It is like a guilty pleasure. Looking at different people's personality through how they decorate the room is a fascinating thing. Although, you would never know that it is my room if you looked at the one I have now. Me and Abdullah always joke that we are like a bunch of lazy laid back people who live in a grey/black/white themed room with fancy candle holders on our side tables. Its when you open our side tables and see the mess of headphones, coins, diaries, all sorts of junk that you get who occupies the room.

Sometimes I feel like my head is too big for my own good. As in, I get distracted so easily because I have another great idea. But then I am forced to be grateful for having an idea in the first place.

Adieu !

SAP

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Day 2, June 30, 2015

1:29 pm.

I started reading Out Of The Easy by Ruta Sepetys. It is so hard to pronounce her name. I read about the book on Pretty Books blog. She is a huge fan of both of her books. And this was the one I got my hands on. So far I really like it.

It is based in New Orleans. New Orleans is such an intriguing city. I first came across it in Vampire Diaries and then the Originals because Klaus and his family are from there and the story is based on that town. It is portrayed as such a cultural city with a bit of mystery hanging in the air. And that really makes me want to visit it. Some cities are famous for their landmarks which makes people flock on it from all the over the world. But New Orleans sounds like a landmark itself. It is known for its nightlife and the flow of music.

7:25 pm

I feel much better than yesterday. Still feel a bit woozy, other than that all is well.

I was talking to Abdullah about how the past few months, I have been focused on what clothes to wear to a party, recipe to try out, family feud to sort out or celebrate some occasion. A friend made me see the intellectual person in me after getting in heated discussion. Someone who had opinions about The Stanford Prison Experiment conducted in 1960. Someone who could prove her point. Someone who loved acquiring knowledge. It is not that I don't like makeup or to get all dolled up. Its just that I like being smart much more. I like to balance a bank reconciliation.

We all perceive ourselves in different ways. Some are content with one thing while other spend their lives hunting after dozens of things. It comes down to how you want to see yourself. Do you want to be a pretty face in a friends wedding ? Or do you want to be representing a friend ? Or maybe you want to be both. Maybe you are okay being neither of the two.

11:59 pm

Just came back from polishing off a Stuffed Crust Pizza with a Berry Mohito. The traffic on the roads is insane. Its like Qatar just learnt that there is a thing called having a life. I am going to go into hibernation so I don't have to face the horrific traffic everywhere.

Good luck to everyone who still has to shop for Eid.

Adieu !

SAP
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Day 1, June 29, 2015

Well, this is not how I expected to start this. But here we go. I have been neglecting my blog a lot these days and one of the reasons is that I am doing other things.

I needed someway to get a little bit of that writing spark back and keep in touch with my writing side. So I decided to start using this blog as my diary.

One of the most dreadful diseases you can suffer from is food poisoning. Let me explain why. First of all, it is no fun puking your guts out and than passing out on the bathroom floor. Staying on a comfy couch with a box of tissues and a TV remote is much better in comparison. I speak from 8 hours and continuing experience.

I have been subjected to a lot of criticism and judgement in the past 20 years. I do not give a crap about what people say about my skin colour or eyes. Things like these do not annoy me. Because from my perspective this is not in my hand. I was made like this. So I cannot change my eye colour or grow ten inches in three months.

But once in awhile you get to hear some really mean things that go straight to your heart. Last year, this friend of my mother in law's came to visit her. She was not in the wedding. So upon meeting me, she goes like,

"ye tu aapki bahu nahi hosakti. Wu tasweer wali tu ziada piyaari thi."

"This cannot be your daughter in law. The one in the picture was prettier."

OMG ! I was being compared to my own self. The struggle is real people. I laughed off her comment. But imagine my disbelief when she showed up this year and said,

 "Accha, tum abhi bhi wesi ki wesi hu."

"So you are still like you used to be ?"

This was said as a statement and I wanted to reply, "Nope, I have grown another limb and am a herbivore now."

Later I came to know that the lady in question runs a school as well as looks after her husband's various businesses in India. I felt so disappointed. If these are the kind of comments you are making, then what the hell are you teaching in your school ? Do you realise that you are shaping a  future generation. Imagine having such a teacher run a school. It is a disgrace. If that is the kind of thinking we possess then Allah has mercy on us and our generations.

Right now I sit on my bed, eating Bukhari Rice while Abdullah looks at me in contempt, waiting for that chicken to fall off my fork onto his precious pillows. Well, we cannot always have everything the way we want.

Adieu !

SAP

..........

I Am My Father's Daughter

If there is one thing that I have learnt in my twenty years of life, it is that life does not turn out the way you want. And you have to learn to be okay with it. Otherwise, you just stand in the middle of the road going nowhere. 

Somehow you have to find that one essential thing in your life that makes you happy. One song, one movie, one ice cream flavour, one person to talk to etc. And stick to it. 

You have to understand that things might not go your way. They might take a slightly different path to your original destination. The routes sometimes differ because even Google earth makes mistakes. And life might take you through the longer route. You just drive a little longer and get to hear the new Imagine Dragon album. 

I stood on the spotless marble floor of Hamad Hospital for 23 days, waiting and praying that Abbu is conscious once again. I stood there for 52 days in order for him to be shifted from the dreary ICU into a less dreary general room. In that time span, I could not do anything to help him except pray. My big mouth, my confidence, my pride etc, it lay on the floor being stomped over by doctors and nurses. Because there was literally nothing any of us could do. 

Even if we were doctors, we could not help the one person who means the world to us. So you see, you are forced to be okay with it. In the grand scheme of things, somehow it makes sense going through it. 

Now, I care less about the society, petty issues and daily issues. I smile and think of that helpless moment on that cold floor. I remember my head, bowed down to Allah, praying that my dad be okay. 

Nothing else matters to me. 

Nothing. 

How could it ? 

You see I am spoiled. Because he spoiled me. 

I have had a five star life. Because he made sure I got everything I wanted. 

I am my father's daughter. Only because he is my father. 

.............. 

Life Goes on

This life that we live waits for no one. It's like a train that never stops, whether you are on it or off it.

It's been 33 days since Abbu's accident and everyone seems to be living their lives. For us, everything has become a before and after of the accident. Bought Maybelline Eyeliner before the accident. Moawiz got in a huge fight after a week of the accident.

At first life just stops. You forget what time it is, let alone what day it is. You look at your phone's time to check the visiting hours of ICU. Everything else just stops mattering. It does not matter that you needed new summer clothes. Or the youngest sibling has exams.

Your existence becomes a cycle of getting updates from the doctors, than sharing all that information with the rest of the world, praying as hard as you can while you stand straight supporting everyone else. You still eat. You still sleep. You still drive a car. But now you eat Criossants without tasting it. You sleep when you cannot stay awake any longer. You drive because you need to get to the hospital.

Everything becomes a need.

If you look around, you will see that the rest is still how it was. People are still shopping in malls. They are going on vacations, celebrating birthdays, giving exams and living their lives.

How do you live yours ? Do you just wake up and go to the gym like you did for the past 3 years ? Do you still eat Pizza on Thursdays ? Does life still make sense ? Does anything matter ?

While you sit and stare out of the window, the train moves on the tracks like it always did. It stops nowhere for no one. Because that is what it does.

The weirdest part is that we are also forced to live our lives. We still make sure to check facebook, meet friends on holidays, celebrate other people's victories etc. We still buy presents and even wrap them. We make pasta and share it with the neighbours. Updating people becomes a normal routine like getting your teeth polished every six months.

In reality, nothing is the same. Abbu is always on my mind. It does not matter what I do or how I do it. Life has become this weird phenomenon where you do everything out of necessity. And people still do not leave you alone.

Make no mistake my friends, this life does not stop for the likes of you or me. So whether we like it or not, we have to live it.

Letters To The Moon

Dear Moon,

I am thankful. I am very very thankful. Gratitude is a very small word for what I am feeling right now. I am down with a really bad cold and flu, so I was banned from the hospital. I did not see Abbu today. But I knew that he was okay.

Have you ever imagined a life without your parents ? I am a typical South Asian kid who has spent half of her life living by holding her parents hand. There are dozens of times when I have had to ask their permission to go see a movie or meet a friend. I have argued over clothes and begged for more pocket money. I have made faces at the food cooked by Amma and laughed at Abbu trying to sound cool. That is pretty much my life.

Yes, I was also that kid who broke all rules and regulations in the house, who did not used to talk to her mother for days over a stupid argument. I have slammed doors and walked out on my parents. I have disagreed and disobeyed them. There have been times as a teenager, when I disliked them. I have done it all. But that is because they are my parents. They are my brick wall. The one I can always drive nails in or hammer at.

So the fact that my father is doing okay means a lot to me. It means everything to me right now. Someone said to me that after awhile, your parents house starts seeming like a stranger's. And you consider it a "Meka." That is a very typical notion. One supported by many of our women. But I disagree with this statement. I said that I don't feel like that. I was told that maybe its because I have not spent enough time in the house I live in right now. That is not the case.

People form a house. Not beds, dressers or bookshelves. For me, home has always been associated with the people living there at that time. So regardless of where I live, my parents house will always be like a home to me. It will always make me stay up all night eating ice cream and binge watching Nikita. It's that feeling where you take off your shoes and release your sucked in stomach because you are home.

Hence I am very grateful for my parents, for the fact that they are here for me. I am glad that I grew up in their household, with their values and habits. Because I do not want to loose that sense of home, that warmth of hot chocolate or freshly ground coffee.

That is all for now. I hope that we always carry that sense with us where ever life leads us.

Yours always,

S

It Becomes A Burden

It's been almost two months since I studied a thing. And now it's scaring the hell out of me. I have a bad habit of leaving everything to the last possible minute. I never seem to learn from my mistakes and study on time if not ahead of it. I should have learnt it considering I got married which basically means juggling a thousand things at one time. Unfortunately I did not.

So now I sit with laptop in my hands, staring at the date which says May 3 and I have to give exams in exactly a month. Good luck with that !

I think I have done about five chapters of one paper and nothing of the other two. I could give you a million excuses and justification for why I am not prepared at all. But here is the thing, whether your exam is tomorrow or a month later, justifications do not matter. No one remembers the tight spot you were in when you did what you had to do, except you yourself.

To be very honest, studying was just not on my mind the past month. Nothing really was. My life hung in the middle, dangling from a very thin rope in front of my eyes while I stood and stared at it. But now that Abbu is a bit better and things have calmed down, I think its time to get a grip on myself and study.

One of the biggest reason is that I have paid for it. Well, I did not. But someone did. And its not my fathers money that I can waste without a giving a second thought. Its a huge gesture that I need to fully take in consideration before I make any more mistakes.

That is one of the things about someone else paying for your fees. I do not mean to sound ungrateful but it starts feeling like a burden. I have enough on my plate already then dealing with people making remarks on this thing as well.

I have always studied because I love it. Not because I am forced to. Here is the thing, if I had ever studied by force, I would not have definitely cared more about my 12th grade marks. But I don't. Its because I love getting lost in a problem and getting frustrated at it, then feeling like I found a gold mine on getting the answer. Its a great feeling. One that endorses me to study.

I am going to do it. I am going to open those damn books and get at it. Not for anyone else but me. I need to because I have to pay everything back. Otherwise, it will become this huge stack of bricks on my head instead of just a stone. And its better to throw that stone at the first chance. Otherwise, the bricks are only going to require more hard work and tire those arms out.

..................

Its What He Would Do

My father is a very religious man. The kind of man whose faith is undeniably strong. He not only tries his best to live according to the Sunnahs but makes sure that others do as well. He has traveled all over the world, dedicating his life to what is called "Tableeg" which is basically trying to become better Muslims and working hard to convey this to others as well.

I am very proud of my father for that. His eyes light up, words gain speed when he starts talking about Islam and trying to be bettet Muslims. Its his passion. Despite that he has never forced any of us to do the same. He has given us that freedom to do things because we believe in them and because its Allah's order. Not because he has forced them upon us.

His journey started in University and since that he has had a beard. Its almost white now with bits of black here and there. But its something that signifies who he is. And what he loves doing. Its not just a beard for him. Its his whole life in form of memory cards with each detail meticulously catolouged. So what do you do when you are given the task of choosing between his love and his life ? Do you choose life because that id what you want ? Or you choose love because that is what he would want ? What do you do when you are forced to take a decision as hard as bombing a nation ?

After almost three weeks in the ICU, doctors said that they need to perform Tracheostomy, a procedure to help a patient breath. Now this is done by making a opening where your neck meets your body. And a pipe is inserted there with a suppory sustem to hold all that in place. The doctors said that its standard procedure to have certain portion where you are go to operate, be sanitized. They needed to shave his beard.

Huzaifa immediately said no. Me and amma said the same. We talked about it. First of all, my father himself had strictly told us not to do anything of the sort if something happens to him. Secondly, it wasnt our place to do that. Its his beard. Something that he has kept all his life. How can we take any decision regarding his beliefs ? You see, I believe in health being above it all. Had it been anyone else, I would have cared less. But this was someone who had spent his life leaving his family to do something good. It was not just a mop of hair on his chin. It was his life's work, staring right at us.

So at first the nurses trimmed it a bit and cut some from the sides after getting our permission. But then it was noy working out. Because there was a high chance of infection where his beard touched the pipe.

We decided to ask someone more knowledgable and called my brother in Pakistan. He asked Muftis (a person who has learnt 50000 Hadees and is most knowledgeable about Islam). He said that you can shave the beard if its absolutely necessary. Even then Huzaifa relented. He kept saying no. The doctors were very cooperative and did their best to help us.

In the end, aftet a suggestion from a nurse, Huzaifa decided to trim his beard himself. He tied the longest at the chin. And then trimmed the rest.

My point is I am not that religious. Neither is Huzaifa. And it was really hard to take these decisions. It was like questioning whether to throw all my books or keep them in storage. The answer was hard and not ours to give. But under the circumstances we had to.

This was not about what we wanted to do. This was about what Abbu would want to be done in such a situation. Life has a sick sense of humour to do these kind of things. It throws oranges at you while asking you to make lemonade. What you have to do is make Orangeade.

Sometimes you do what the other person wants while putting your thoughts behind. You do it because deep down you know that you would want someone to follow your wishes if you were the one in that situation. We all have different things wr believe in. What we need to remember is what the other person believes in.

                           ...SAP.....

From A Daughter To A Father

Dear Abbu,

I am sitting in bed, blankets around me, writing this to you while you are probably sleeping in a not so similar bed, miles away in a hospital. Where should I start from ? What should I tell you first ?

Let me start from your eldest son. He has grown up. He is not that little kid anymore who used to walk in the house with a towel around his waist. (Who am I kidding, he still does.) He was the one you called at the time of your accident. He saw you while getting taken care of at the hospital. You were reciting the Kalma loudly and you waved at him. He took care of everything. He spent the night at the hospital, alone while you were in surgery. He tried telling Abdullah but it did not work out. I cannot even imagine what he went through during those hours.

Amma was the strongest of us all. You know her and her endless Wazeefas. She had full faith that you will be okay. She kept asking me, Sumaica, he is going to be okay ? Right ? And I keep saying, YES ! She has barely eaten since the day you had your accident. I keep telling her to eat something and she keeps saying that it does not matter.

Your middle son is still in Pakistan, away from all of us, studying and giving his exams. We made the decision to call him when we saw you. But than Huzaifa said it was better to not disturb him. He himself said that I would never come back if I left now. So right now, he is studying hard and praying even harder for your fast recovery. He is among the best of people, Muftis and Ulmas, who are all praying for your health. What more can we ask for ?

Your son by relation instead of blood. People address him as your son because no one can guess that he is actually the son in law. Because he has been there, day and night like you were his own father. He has been by our sides since day 1 being the best that he is.

Now let us talk about the last one. Moawiz is 8. Yet his strength is higher than all of us. He has not seen you since Day 1. Not once has he been stubborn about seeing you or made a fuss on coming to the hospital. He gave his exams like a trooper. And now he sits in the waiting room every time we visit you. He misses his Abbu Jee. Because Abbu, he sleeps with you. He fights with you. He does everything with you. Like Amma says, he is a younger Sumaica.

Abbu Jee, I am very thankful for who you are. For the religious person you have been all your life. Every time we come to the hospital, there are at least ten people outside those dreary grey doors, waiting their turn to go inside the ICU and pray for you. You are an incredible human being. I thought Amma was social. I never knew how amazing you were. People we have never met, never known about, are calling from all over the world to ask how you are. Abbu Taya even went as far as to ask a favour from someone to get somethings done.

I love you. Because you are kind, humble, fun, cool and amazing. You are an amazing artist who took pictures 20 years ago, that people take today. You are that person who gives something to every security guard, sweeper, car washer etc. You say dude to sound hip and annoy your kids. You are someone who I look up to every day of my life. You are someone who has raised me with good values and good manners. You are someone who has never forced me into anything. You make me a better person. You inspire me to be a better person. To be a better Muslim. You are my Abbu.

You are that person I want to call "Old Grandpa" when you do not admit being old. You are that person I want to enjoy endless meaningless, laughter filled chats with. I want to go out for dinners and admit that I like hanging out with my old, uncool parents.

You are love. You are that person who even strangers pray for.

I hope that you read this when you are well enough. And bask in the glory of being called all those things. I love you as much as a daughter can ever love a father.

Yours always,

SAP

Nothing Else Matters

My father opened his eyes today, after being kept on sedatives for 22 days. I don't know where to start from. I walked in and his eyes were open, darting left and right, trying to recognize us. But I could see that he was in pain. A lot of pain. Pain that I wish I could help him carry. Unfortunately I like many others am helpless. 

How do you do it ? How do you watch your father in agonizing pain and just stand there ? You can feel the ground beneath you, its still there, firm and standing proud. 

I have spent the last 22 days, in and out of the hospital, dealing with hundreds of people, talking and updating his friends, family, strangers from all around the world, standing beside my mom, talking to the doctors and just living. I did not even have time to think about what had happen. I was just going on with my life, trying to get everything done. 

My father has gone through 6 major and four minor surgeries up till now and he still needs more surgery. He was being kept on ventilator and sedatives. 

Its not that I love my father. We all do. Its that I need him in my life. I am that spoiled papa's princess whose every wish is granted before she even utters it. I have had that life. He has given me that life. Being the only daughter, I have taken full advantage of that and he has let me take it. 

During this whole time, I had full faith in Allah. I told my mom that we need to do it. We need to pray as hard as we can. We need that conviction that he will be alright because his health is in Allah's hands. Doctors can do their best but to do everything right is only in His hand. 

I hope that no one ever has to see their fathers like that. Because it hurts too much. You stand there, looking at them, knowing that you cannot help them despite being desperate to do so. You wish that you were a better person, a better Muslim so your prayers had more conviction, more power. Or you were a doctor, so you had the knowledge to do something. Just something. 

We are nothing, We can do nothing. We just watch while the world slips by in its own pace and time. All this money, clothes, restaurants, movies, diamonds etc does not matter when someone you love is in the OR under those big lights. 

Because believe me, money does not buy health. It buys doctors but health, not really. 

He was responding today, trying to speak but because of a pipe for oxygen in his throat, he couldn't. But he was awake. He was awake and doing okay. 

I am so grateful that I cannot even express it. Sometimes Allah grants you a gift. Because He is Merciful. 

Trust me, nothing in life matters except the ones you love. Except the ones who love you. Except the ones who stand by you. Except the ones who cherish you. Except the ones who are your blood. 

....................

Letters To The Moon # 7

Dear Moon,

Apparently, not knowing whether your husband is wearing the new shoes or not is also a crime in the married world.

I need some answers from these so called Desi mothers of ours. Why the hell do you bring up your kids so dependent on you ? They are independent enough to study in international universities, go to work at world renown companies but are not able to match their ties with shirts. How ? And why ? How is it a wife's responsibility to pick up his clothes off the floor ? Or call him every two hours to ask if he had breakfast, lunch etc ? Is he not sane enough to go and eat by himself ? or is he incapable of doing that ?

Please let your kids grow up. Let them do things on their own. Stop doing things for them. You are just creating problems. Nothing else.

You are just creating a grown up child who still wants his mommy at every step of the way. If you want to do that, do it by all means. Do not marry them then. Girls are not lying around waiting to care whether your son has new shoes on or not. Nor are they in a line to get ready every day for your son.

We have lives of our own. Lives we would like to live. We have personalities, habits, hobbies. Our lives are not because of your sons. We are made to parade around them like some sort of peacocks. We have to make sure that we love what they love. And eat what they eat. If they like chocolate and heaven forbids, we don't, that should be declared a crime, punishable by 5 years in jail.

In life, there comes a time, when you have to let go of your kids. If you try to hold onto them, tying the strings tighter, knot after knot, eventually they will break off these ties and go their way. You will be left behind wondering what you did wrong. On the other hand, letting them live their lives will mean that they include you in it as well. They give you the place and love you want and deserve.

Let that love be from the heart. Let it be pure.

Don't try to force something that can never be forced upon.

Yours always,

S

P.S. One day, I will actually say it to people's faces, till then let us just be content with this.

Letters To The Moon # 6

Dear Moon,

Its hard when you are caught in between things. You are in the middle of one of those suspended rope bridges on top of a river, seen on TV which everyone wants to cross, but it turns out that you are stuck. You cannot go forward because what awaits you is more horrifying than the rope under your feet. And you certainly cannot go back. So you stand their, holding onto the side of the bridge with all the strength that you can muster, hoping and praying that the bridge stays secure. And some miracle occurs.

I am caught in between life. I do one thing and the other suffers. And this between, its not a happy place. It is more of a temporary one.

Today, I realised something. That I do not need to be afraid. My biggest strength is standing right in front of me and I was oblivious to it all this time. I do not have to carry all that baggage with me. I do not have to be the bad person by talking back or talking about anything that I want.

All I have to do is be strong. Work hard and hold my ground on the things I love and the things I want to do.

Things are very simple. Its me who makes them complicated thinking about the consequences.

Here is the reality. I am not answerable to anyone. I am an adult. Okay, if you want to take it this way then the only person I need to consult in my decisions is my husband. And lets be honest, he is rarely going to have a problem with what I do with my life. If he is with me, the rest can go to an abandoned parking lot. I do not give a shit.

I am out of my parents jurisdiction. I am my own person now. So I should stop taking crap from all the other people in my life. And start paying attention. Thing is that no one will have a right to say anything if he is with me. So why the hell have I started caring so bloody much about it all ?

Why have I become such a tension freak ? Not every tiny detail is my fault. And I should stop taking it as that.

Yours always,

S

P.S. This is the moment where Abdullah realizes that he is screwed. But I am glad that I married the right person.

Letters To The Husband # 2

Dear Abdullah,

The reason I started these letters was because I like to say thing, explain my thoughts, put them in words or write them down, I like expressing my views. But here is the problem, you don't like listening to me saying the same thing in ten ways for 15 minutes. I like saying everything that is on my mind, even if my theory has ten aspects and you understand it in the first two minutes. My mind needs to hear them out loud, for me to think it over and save it. So I thought, I will just write to you because you do read my blog.

You are a very content man and I love that quality about you. But being content stops you from aspiring for better things in life. It stops you from thinking ahead and you end up exactly where you were ten years ago. Living in the present is amazing but at the same time, we need to at least think about where we want our life to lead. We don't have any control over what happens but we owe it to ourselves to at least try.

Something that my friend's dad once said (which has stayed with me all this time), that I want the quality of my life to be good. When I work hard and get paid more, I am not going to put it all into savings for my retirement, first and foremost I will increase the quality of my life.

Don't get me wrong. I don't envy people who have the luxury to shop in Louise Vuitton or Gucci all day. Or take endless vacations to exotic places. Neither am I ungrateful for everything I have. Because I know that I live better than 90 % of the population in this world. And I probably don't deserve all that.

But I do like to aspire and work for better things in life. Whether that is the opportunity to travel more. Or buying more books. I like the idea of standing in my own apartment, a car parked underneath, studying further, a job that I love and all that being the result of our hard work. I say our, and I mean our. I do not mean YOURS or MINE. I know that a lot of the time, the things I say are either yours or mine. But this is OURS. I want us to have two separate lives intertwined with each others. The freedom to do what we want, at the same time be willing to compromise on certain things. But all that being OUR decision., not yours or mine or anyone else's.

I strayed from my point again. SORRY !

Khair, my point is that while we are very lucky and fortunate to live the way we do. But it's not all I want. It's not all what you should want.

Lately, I have seen you talking about what you want to do in the future. And here is what I think. I think you should do it. You know what we were talking about the other day and I kept interrupting you, telling my ideas. Let's do it. Right now. Right here. At this point in our lives.

If there is one thing I have learnt, it is that there is no time like the present to try.

Let's do something that you love and I have no interest in. But I am willing to try.

Yours,

SAP 

Letters To The Husband # 2

Abdullah, (You do not deserve to be called dear today)

OMG ! You said something so insensitive that for two whole seconds I kept looking at you with zero facial expressions. Here is the reason, because I did not know how to react.

You ask what you did ? Good question. Here is a recap. Remember, when you asked me very politely why I cannot eat a small scoop of ice cream ? Why was it that my ice cream quantity had to be at least big enough for four people ?

I mean, how can you even ask that ? Who asks that ? Its ice cream. Its the number one rule of eating ice cream. You do not just get a single short teeny tiny scoop. That is like staring at it with puppy dog eyes. I have NEVER eaten a small scoop. I did not even know that they existed until I married you. You, my friend are a shame to the world of ice cream.

I do not remember even Moawiz ordering a small scoop for himself, even when he was four. That kids has better taste than you.

Here is the funny part. So today, after your stupid question, I ordered two small scoops, one Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough and the other Mint Chocolate Chip. I was done before we even arrived home and it takes us like five minutes to get home. Ice cream should not disappear in five minutes. I seriously thought that someone had robbed me when I was eating it. Because it was like I had not even started that it finished.

This was a huge mistake on my point. Needless to say, that is not happening again.

Remember how we talked about my daily need of ice cream and you ooh so high and mightily pointed out that paying 18 riyals daily for ice cream was a little too much. I resorted to eating McDonalds ice cream. (Thank you McDonalds for keeping people like me alive and sane )

You need to remember this generosity of mine. Let's be honest dude. If a time ever came that I have to choose between you and ice cream, you know what my choice will be.

My point is, the next time you make such an outrageous comment on my perfectly healthy and awesome lifestyle choices, please decide whether you want to live with me peacefully or just live with me. The choice is yours. ;)

Ice cream's truly,

S

.......

A Miss Of Expat Life

Dij : "F just got engaged. "

Me: " Whatttt ??? That's huge and awesome. What did she wear ? What did you wear ? Where did it happen ? I need all the details ASAP. "

I am typing this while reaching for the laptop and logging on to Facebook, still in my Abaya, just to see if she has uploaded any pictures, to see what she wore to the big day, how her fiance looked, what the ring was like, what my friend wore, every tiny detail of the function. I checked my Instagram after that to see more of her pictures and comment my happiness on them.

When you have friends in different countries, at first its very exciting. But it becomes boring and lonely pretty soon. Here is the hard part, you miss your friends graduation, their birthday, then their engagements and weddings. The first time it happens, it hurts a lot. Because at the end of the day, there is not much you can do.

I remember, back in the day, when we moved from KSA, I never felt this because I was visiting Jeddah every two months due to several reasons. We did that for almost two years. And I was much younger at the time. So getting a phone call from a friend, in another country, on your birthday was a huge deal for me. We all made an effort to wish each other, post presents and still be the same way. But it did not work like that. Phone calls were missed, numbers miss placed or changed, presents lost in the mail and distance just created these invisible barriers between us.

When you are younger, you do not make that much of an effort to keep in touch with someone who is not in a hundred km radius. Its just the way it is.

But as you grow older, you meet other people, the ones you leave behind start coming back to you and you start keeping tabs on them. Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Skype, Viber etc have made this much easier than it was in the days of MSN emails, texts and actual phone calls.

I remember looking at my best friend's (at the time) pictures from a birthday party, every single person I knew, people I even hated were there, except me. Hands in hands, or on shoulders, drinks in huge glasses, some of my friends trying to sit down, some bending to get in focus, smiling at the camera, that picture came out perfect. But I was not in it. That picture was still complete. Like I never existed. I hated being an expat at that moment.

I am extremely lucky that people message me to tell the important happenings in their life or their sibling's life, or friends who get worried if I don't reply, who don't say anything if I forget their birthday or graduation. because they know that as long distance friends, we are past all that.

Its a hit and miss. Sometimes your wishes will reach them on time. Sometime they won't. But the thing is, your wishes mean that much more to the other person. Because they know how busy you are in your life. Taking time out of it to simply message them, congratulating on their special occasions becomes a big deal.

...SAP...

Letter To The Husband # 1

Dear Abdullah,

First of all I sincerely apologise for what I am about to do. But I am going to do it anyway, that is write about you. Because I want to and this is a free world.

I love writing letters and doing sentimental things like that. But you do not even try to like that. I thought why not write a virtual one since you do read my blog.

I have realised that I do not appreciate you as much as I should. That is because I know that I am stuck with you for life, whether I like it or not. Like the fact that I hate your habit of throwing your clothes on the floor or never paying at a restaurant. Your wallet only materializes when we are at KFC, McDonalds, Shawarma place, Burger King, Baqala etc. Dude, be a man and learn to pay up.

The past year has been really weird for me because as much as the world and our society tried to change me, you did not try at all. And the ironic part is that I expected the total opposite. And while everyone else was busy telling me how to wear clothes or make a certain dish or go to someone's house, you were there telling me it was okay to be whoever I wanted. Or not do anything at all. I felt okay, like even if I stopped studying or did not cover myself in a layer of make up, I would still be okay.

I have learnt a lot about people, how they are, what they say and what they really mean. But in all that, I have seen you as well. And every time I look at you, my optimism soars, like a bird flying higher and higher. Because you are the most content man I know. You are happy and perfectly okay the way you are right at this second whereas the rest of us, want this, achieve that or travel there.

I remember telling you, more like babbling about what I wanted to do in life, the places I wanted to explore, people I wanted to meet, food to eat etc. And I asked you, what do you want ? And you said, "Me ??? Well, I have everything I ever wanted. Actually, more. I don't want anything else. I already have more than I deserve."

Let me just tell you that my eyes almost popped out. And I did not believe a letter of what you said that day. But as I started to live with you, I realised that you were not lying.

I am not saying that you are perfect because lets be honest, you are not. And there are a million things I don't like about you but this letter is not about that.

Its about appreciating you. acknowledging the fact that I do know about the good things in life.

I know that at times you have uncertainties about us. But let me tell you a secret, I think that as long you are you and I am me, we will be just fine.

Right now there are about fifteen trophies in our room and not a single one of them has been earned by either of us. And they are taunting me.

Can I drink coke in one of them ? Ooh, that would be so cool. I am doing that tomorrow.

I just wanted to let you know that I know what a good person you are. And I am glad that you are in my life. Because believe me when I say this, I would not be sitting right here if it was not for you.

Yours always,

S

P.S. I still hate you for bailing out on me, for getting Frozen Coke.
P.P.S. This was the good part. Eventually the bad ones will be out as well.
P.P.P.S. The only reason I am writing this is because at least you will READ what I WRITE this way.

Letters To The Moon # 5

Dear Moon,

Something really exciting and awesome is happening in my life right now. The bad things is that I cannot tell you about it. Not because I don't want to but because its the right thing at this moment. I have this tendency to announce anything good that comes my way, and then it disappears. People judge me and pass their opinions without knowing anything, end result is that I quit.

I do not want that this time. Because one, I am really happy doing what I am doing. Secondly, its exhausting but when I go to sleep at night, I am happy. Even if I have to sacrifice something to do it, I am still happy. Its what I have always wanted to do. Maybe not in this manner but life is not always 100 percent chocolate.

One thing I have gotten to know is that I work pretty well with deadlines. If I have to finish something by that time, I will do it. And its shocking. Because I do things and then I leave them in the middle of nowhere.

Yes, I abandon my vehicles. Reason 678 why I am still driving in the middle of the road. But I will get where I want.

I am pumped up. I can see a direction now. I can see this headed towards something. And that is a great thing for me. Because it has been hard adjusting to this life. I usually apply the formula of my way or highway.

I can feel that I am slowly coming back to who I was an year ago. And honestly, I want to rediscover that person again. Because let me tell you, I was bad ass. I was fearless. I need to stop making thorns into boulders.

It is a funny thing how you think that you can live your life for others, but when you are suppose to actually do it, you find out that you suck at it. I think that I can achieve the independence I have always wanted. And to be honest, I can see my goals near me, after a long long time.

Yours truly,

S

Letters To The Moon # 4

Dear Moon,

The past couple of days have been really weird. I have fallen into this pity party mode where all I do is think about my actions and feel sorry for myself.

Honestly, my life is pretty good right now. I do not have any major family drama going on. Everyone seems to be happy with how things are going. Except me. I don't know why. I cannot figure out my problem in all of this.

I guess its because I am home all the time. And that drives me nuts. I have tons of studying to do, blog posts to write, books to read, movies to watch but instead I just waste time doing nothing on the internet. I seriously need to know what is wrong with me.

Over the past few days, I have gotten to experience being the working class. And let me tell you that when they say, its not easy to earn. Its not. Anything you do to earn your way in this world, is hard work. You are extremely lucky if what you do is what you love. And I have been that lucky. I have gotten the chance to write and get paid for this. That is extremely gratifying.

I am not used to with things just falling in my lap. I have had to work for them, finding a way around things, avoiding the bumps in the road. Its not been very difficult but its certainly not been easy as well. So imagine my feelings when things just sort of fall into place like pieces of puzzle.

Life is weird that way. The things you lust after, remain out of reach. And when they are in your hands, you realize you were okay without it as well. And somethings just happen without you knowing how much you wanted it.

Thank you ! For making me realize that in a way, I am lucky. Because I get to just deal with this part of my life and move on. I don't have to anticipate anything, see my parents worried looks over me becoming over aged or over confident or whatever. I get to let go. And I get to do what I want. I get to fight for myself, for my independence. I simply get to move on.

I used to think about what things I will have to give up in order to be that perfect image of a "BAHU". Or someone's wife. Life has shown me that today, I get to be exactly who I want to be. No one has told me not to do something. Whether it is studying, reading books, writing or paying 150 riyals for a piece of cake. I get to enjoy that freedom.

Yours always,

S

This Society And Its Cruelness

There was a death in the city three days ago.

.

An aunty very dear to us, had the misfortune of losing her husband. He was in the hospital the past 1 and a half month, really sick, not being able to cope with pain but he was breathing, alive. 

I have seen that aunty go about her day, working selflessly for others. When she got married, her husband had a whole family to support, so she spend her years, cutting down her needs, educating and then marrying her husbands siblings. By that time, her own kids were grown up, so there studies became a priority. After that came marriages and finally after all these years, she was free. 

The time had come for her to sit back and relax. 

But destiny had something else in mind. 

Word gets around very fast. Its twisted like a piece of twine. Some of the things I heard were down right cruel. 

"See, his sons are Hafiz-e-Quran. But when I asked him to read Quran to his father, he put it on a mobile instead of reading it out loud himself."

"We went to their house to pay our respects and his daughters did not even come out of there rooms."

"I was sitting there for half an hour and I was not asked for water. Back home, we are served tea, samosas, biscuits etc."

"All of there kids are so rude. What was the use of their parents sacrificing so much for such selfish kids ?"

"At least my kids are not like this. If I die, they will arrange for catering and make sure no one goes hungry from our house."

"Ali Sahab and his wife were religious but their kids were not at all. They cared too much about worldly things."

"Parents need to focus more on their kids upbringing. Ali Sahab should have paid attention to his kids religious education."

"His eldest daughter was not even crying. Instead of tears dripping down her face, she was looking after her own daughter."

"Where was their daughter in law's family ? My neighbour's daughter told me that no one visited, from their family in these three days."

This is what is being talked about at a dead man's funeral.

Yes, they are praying for his forgiveness in the next world, for him to be awarded Jannah, reciting Quran and Darood Shareef for hours. But when they go back to their homes, this is what they talk about. Apparently, this was more important then that man's funeral.

So the next time, someone dies near to us. We need to forget our own grief and cater to the people around us. We need to make sure that they get tea, biscuits, eat Biryani, Qorma, Karahi and then Gajar ka Halwa for dessert. Then spread quilts filled with bird feathers, under them so they sit in the most comfortable way possible. We should assist them in every way so they go home and talk about some other nonsense.

You would expect that our society would leave you alone when a person you dearly loved, dies.

But no ! Not even death can put scotch tape on their mouths.

Lord knows what truly can. 

I Am Free

Right now I am sitting on the Rust coloured, disgusting looking but very comfortable couch, wrapped in Muaaz's fluffy blanket, typing away with Royal Blue nail polish on my hands, without a care in the world.

Its 5:15 am now and my alarm for Fajr prayer just went off. I dismissed it.

That is what I do. I come here, turn off all the alarms on my phone, with that I turn off the monotonous boring judging routine as well. My 'not a care in the world' switch is turned on automatically.

I leave all of my worries at the door which has the "Pirachas" sign hanging loop sided above it.

I need this. After a hectic week or two, I need to come back to this house, see my life over here and know that this still exists. The 'Live In The Moment" sign, Eiffel Tower and the colourful bed spreads are all reminders of me still being a 19 year old with a huge reading list, a small pocket and a lot of crap. I instantly become the Sumaica who says whatever comes in her mouth and tells her mother to stop taking everything to the heart.

In that house, I am the grown up version of myself. The version that got married, started living in a real bedroom with colour co-ordinated furniture, walls, curtains etc and has had to listen to more drama.

I am a free bird over here, where my mind actually works at 6 in the morning and I start writing. I dream, make plans, think of the future, hope for higher things and be happy in what I have.

The other me is just too busy dealing with everything else that at the end of the day, when she comes to bed, all she thinks about is if something that she did or said will go south the next day.

I take off the embroidered Bareeze suits, gold sets etc, put on my smiley pajama pants, double layer the t shirts, put my books in the bag, grab my laptop and I am out of the door to be my free self. My mom was not home today but I still came because I needed to lie on this crappy sofa, have a terrible back ache, eat a load of smoothie turned ice cream and let go of everything of the past week.

When you get married, there are these invisible shackles that bound you to a typical lifestyle which you have to accept. You may not see the binding but trust me its there. You start taking into account the things that are not even present. You have to think ten steps ahead.

Its not about you.

In my case, its about my parents.

And the wonderful guy in my life.

...SAP...

He Meets People

We agree to meet outside Forever 21 after praying. Then he heads off to right while I go straight and then turn left, going to our respective prayer areas. After I have prayed, browsed around in Forever 21 for a good 20 minutes while keeping an eye outside, he is still not near the pillar with that exotic blue wallpaper. I make a trip right across the pillar, to H&M, buying earrings for a killer price of 5 QR. I come back to the designated area, when I spot him talking to someone with a smile on his face and a persona of amiableness.

This was when we were shopping in the Dubai Mall. 

It was our last day in the city. We had woken up pretty late. But had prayed Duhr in the Haram, and Asr as well. We decided to stay for the other two prayers as well, thinking that a trip to the hotel and back would cost us one of the prayers. We went for lunch at the Makkah Towers and ordered Steakhouse Burger from Burger King which was massive compared to the one in Qatar. In that half an hour, I also managed to do some damage on the pocket and get diamonds. We came back to the Haram and went to the bathroom to freshen up. When we met up, he tells me that he just met up with a colleague of his from the previous company he worked in, in Qatar. 

This was when we went for Umrah in Makkah. 

I managed to drag him to the book fair. He follows me like a disgruntled child, looking quiet the man in an all black ensemble, while I went from bookstall to bookstall, spewing out anger over the lack of books and the excess of crap. I come to terms with the fact that I have to do with that amount of books for now, so I start looking seriously and completely forget the world around me. When I turn to find the sales man, I see him shaking hands with a man and saying something to him. 

This was in the Convention Center Qatar. 

The first guy was someone he played with, in one of his cricket teams. The second, a colleague from a previous company and the third, was a guy he used to say Hi to everyday in the lift of his previous employer. He didn't even know the name of the last one. 

This is not normal for him. For he is not a very social person. He does not have tons of friends. He doesn't hang out with his buddies on the weekends or stay out late watching movies. He doesn't keep up with where his friends from school are. He hates attending social dinners and weddings. 

But he meets people. And people meet him. He is well liked by them all. I find this enchanting and a little surreal. I have seen people flocked to my mother but that is because she is social to the core. Over the past months, there have been many more encounters but these were the ones I remembered. 

I do not know what it is it that makes this happen but its cool to say the least. 

The only people I see are the ones who are necessary to run away from, for my own good.

...SAP...

2014 ! The Year of Survival

2014 !

Where should I start from ? I think I should address the elephant in the room. I got married. YIKES ! That still sounds shocking to me. Every time someone mentions me being married, I turn around and try to take it in. I have not succeeded in that. Yet.

A friend of mine told me to enjoy every part of my wedding process. And I did.

Damn, man ! I freaking loved every single bit of it. It was awesome.

2014 started with us changing houses. I finally got my own room but got to reside in it only for two months.

Because our next venture was the trip to Pakistan. My dad tried to convince us to order everything online and get it done with it. But I wanted to go there and do everything myself. So I went. It was two awesome months including a lot of trips, adventures, things that deserve their own writing.

2014 taught me that things do not go the way we want them to. That doesn't mean that we don't get what we want. Its just that the path leading us to them can be slightly different, sometimes longer, sometimes twisted, sometimes even straight. So do not freak out if something out of the ordinary happens to you. Just be patient and trust in Allah.

People are mean. And this is coming from the person who has been the victim of our society many times. But when you get married, this meanness is up to a whole other level.

It has taken me a lot of time to get my head wrapped around everything that has been going on and trying my best to not take everything personally.

It was the year of personal growth. I have become more patient, more accepting and tolerant. Living in a joint family teaches you a lot. You don't always get to do things the way you want. And it takes a bit of strength to not go mad. The hardest thing I have learnt is to keep my MOUTH SHUT. Oh God ! Don't even get me started on this one. I have always been the person who says whatever she wants, without thinking about it first. I do not take crap from anyone. And its so hard to keep those instincts down. To smile and keep my mouth shut when all I want to say is, what a LOAD OF CRAP ! Okay, I admit. I get it out on Abdullah. You gotta do what you gotta do to keep sane.

Also, you cannot really be sarcastic. But that's fine. I balance it out with my siblings.

The reason I did not blog about my wedding has been procrastination. Simply, because I ended up watching a lot of youtube instead of writing whenever I got the chance. Also I just did not want to write. And I am a firm believer in doing things when you want to. And yeah, I was afraid of what people would say. I got my share of sarcastic remarks, you would say, on me getting married. The ironic part is I know that I have had the same thoughts on someone getting married at 19.

Every few weeks, Abdullah asks me if my views have changed on getting married young. My answer, NO !

Why make your life hard when you have it easy ?

But that is not to say that I do not enjoy it. I have had my share of awesomeness in the past year. I have traveled a lot. I have gotten to know Abdullah better. I say this to him a lot that if you had not made it worthwhile, I would have run away a long time ago. I have made another best friend.

2014 was basically the year of survival. While I didn't reach the winning stream, I didn't drown as well. I did things on my own pace.

Basically, I survived.

....SAP....