A Letter To Strong And Independent Women

Dear Nataliya, Nadia and Waliya Khan,

May 29, 2015. 

You do not know me but I know you guys quiet a bit. You see, I have been following you as a blogger and as a photographer for almost three years. That is a long time. Sharing a part of you on the internet lets the other person see that version of yourself.

The first time I came across you guys was through a friend who showed me this photograph, taken by Waliyah of your Dad's army uniform. Then I  read about your father passing away from cancer and the hard time you guys went through. I cannot say that its over. Because losing someone is never over. Its an ongoing journey that just gets older as time passes by. That does not make it any easier or any less painful.

Picture taken by Waliya Najib

When I read about your father, I thought to myself that I could feel the pain you guys felt. Because I have lost loved ones in my life. Things that you go through everyday. The fact that he is not at the dining table for breakfast in the morning. Or his empty wardrobe are all reminders of who he was.

I never fully realized what you felt until now. My father was in an accident on April 5. Long story short, he was unconscious for 23 days and underwent 8 major surgeries and numerous minor ones. The first time I saw him, lying on that hospital bed, hooked to a million machines, I thought of you guys. I thought of the hole that is in your lives. And I could not get over on how you do it.

He is a lot better now. He is awake. He is still in ICU but he is doing much better. You see you lost your father and I was about to loose mine. Now I know what you all endured. I know how it felt sitting in that hospital numb to the core, praying for your father's recovery.

Losing someone you love is very hard. You think that you cannot function without them. You believe that that loss is the hardest thing you will ever endure. But when its a parent on that losing table, the story completely changes.

I do not know why I am writing this letter to you guys. Maybe because I want to convey my words to you all. Or because I want you to know that you guys are strong beyond words.

Life is very hard. And the society we live in, is also very cruel. It doesn't wait a second to take advantage of you.

I prayed a lot for your father. He must have been a great man because he has left behind his daughters as his legacy. And when I read Nataliya's thoughts, I see the upbringing you all had. I see the love and care he bestowed upon you guys. And I see you all, living life the way he taught you.

One day, I want to meet you guys in person. I want to see for myself, those people who have been through so much in so little time. I want to experience your courage in real life.

I want you to know that our society needs more girls like you. We need more independent strong women who can handle things themselves, who are not afraid of anyone.

I wish I could say that it will all be okay. And it will be. But it will never be the same.

Your kids will never get to hear about the time you guys moved houses 9 times. Nano won't be there to plan the holidays 6 months before their arrival. Or stock the pantry with their favourite snacks. Or give them endless rides as a horse or a lion.You won't get the chance to have long discussions over a cup of Chai. You won't be able to tell him that his tie is crooked. Or that his laugh makes you laugh. Or that you will miss his views on Imran Khan's second marriage.

August 2, 2015.

My father finally came home on 22nd July 2015. We spent our Eid in the hospital, eating Biryani for breakfast and lunch, eating Almond Delight out of a dish. He had another 3 hour surgery on the third day of Eid, where steel rods were put in his leg. But he is okay. He is home. And he is okay.

You three are an example to many of us. You are a ray of sunshine because looking at you makes me realise that you can get through hardships in life. You can do it. Whether you are a girl or a guy, that is irrelevant. Gender has nothing to do with being strong or standing up for your parents.

People say that boys are ones shoulder in old age. I give these people your example.

My prayers and best wishes are always with you guys. I hope Anya grows up to admire her grandfather as much as I do. I hope that your mom continues to pain, write and inspire many more people. I hope all of you get the best of everything, today and always.

Yours sincerely,

SAP

.........

Day 4, July 2, 2015

12:20 pm

I am on a very good sleeping schedule these days. I mean, I am sleeping less and am still active throughout the day instead of dousing every few seconds. I sleep after Fajr which is 4:00 am in the morning and than wake up at 10:30 am.

Here is the problem though. I haven't been productive like I always dream to be. By that I mean, I have been watching Scandal. That is all I have been doing for the past four days. I would not mind it in normal circumstances but when your life is on the line, it kinda becomes important.

I do not know how to stop. The only way I know is to finish it.

4:38 pm

It was suggested today that I am a big spender. Unlike a loyal obedient wife, I don't save every tiny penny that comes out of my husbands pocket. Instead, I get late night ice creams and eat out on weekends. I buy shoes, clothes and books. I indulge in things that I shouldn't. I spend money when instead I should be saving it to buy property, build houses in Pakistan and buy Gold as a means of saving. Property that will sit there as some sort of back up, houses I will never live in and Gold that will sit in a bank locker only to be weighed and paid Zakat for, every year.

First of all, I don't think that I am a big spender. If I look back on this year, my biggest expense would probably be my books. All of whom are paid by the pocket money I receive. I have bought one pair of shoes, that also in sale. Its not because I could not. Its because I did not need any more shoes. I already have a lot.

The one thing I did go all out on was Abdullah's wardrobe. And trust me, that needed updating. Because it looked like a homeless person's wardrobe where half the clothes didn't fit him and half weren't even his. So, yes. I did buy a lot of stuff. Because I like men to be well dressed. They deserve to.

I am pretty proud of myself for the fact that I have controlled the way I spend money and have bought things that I know I will use. So when you hear someone tell you that what you are doing is wrong. It hurts like a bitch.

It makes you realize the mistake you have made of considering your husbands money as your own. It makes you hate yourself for getting married before finishing your studies, before standing on your own feet, before being independent enough to not listen to someone slap you across your face with words.

The worst part is that we did save money. And we spent it, doing something good for them.

People say that I don't have responsibilities. That's why I can spend money on things like food and clothes. As if living with In laws was not the biggest responsibility ever.

Nonetheless, let me make one thing every clear.

Even when I am responsible for feeding, clothing and educating my family, I am not going to spend money buying houses in places I do not know whether I will live in or not. Instead, I will continue eating out on weekends. And watching movies. And going bowling. I won't buy heaps of gold to add to my stash. Instead, I will be taking a vacation. Somewhere out of country, where my kids will get to experience different cultures and acquire knowledge. I will be spending on Disneyland tickets, ice skating rinks and seeing the view from top of the Burj Khalifa. That is how I will be fulfilling my responsibilities.

And if need be, I will be okay to cut down on all these things. But don't for a second think that I will deprive myself and my family the chance to live a life in the moment in order to make a life in the future.

I have been blessed enough that I was given a lot of things on my wedding. And I intend to keep those as my saving. I don't need a lesson in saving money for the hard times. I don't need to be told to keep it in control.

If there was one thing I was taught, that was to spend what is my budget. And believe me when I say that, even when I am buying a double scoop ice cream, I know that its in my budget. You can set your own budget. You can set rules for how you have spent your life and want to continue doing so.

But please, I don't agree with your views. Please, let me set my own budget. For once, let me do what I want. Let me be who I want to be.

Adieu !

SAP
............

Day 2, June 30, 2015

1:29 pm.

I started reading Out Of The Easy by Ruta Sepetys. It is so hard to pronounce her name. I read about the book on Pretty Books blog. She is a huge fan of both of her books. And this was the one I got my hands on. So far I really like it.

It is based in New Orleans. New Orleans is such an intriguing city. I first came across it in Vampire Diaries and then the Originals because Klaus and his family are from there and the story is based on that town. It is portrayed as such a cultural city with a bit of mystery hanging in the air. And that really makes me want to visit it. Some cities are famous for their landmarks which makes people flock on it from all the over the world. But New Orleans sounds like a landmark itself. It is known for its nightlife and the flow of music.

7:25 pm

I feel much better than yesterday. Still feel a bit woozy, other than that all is well.

I was talking to Abdullah about how the past few months, I have been focused on what clothes to wear to a party, recipe to try out, family feud to sort out or celebrate some occasion. A friend made me see the intellectual person in me after getting in heated discussion. Someone who had opinions about The Stanford Prison Experiment conducted in 1960. Someone who could prove her point. Someone who loved acquiring knowledge. It is not that I don't like makeup or to get all dolled up. Its just that I like being smart much more. I like to balance a bank reconciliation.

We all perceive ourselves in different ways. Some are content with one thing while other spend their lives hunting after dozens of things. It comes down to how you want to see yourself. Do you want to be a pretty face in a friends wedding ? Or do you want to be representing a friend ? Or maybe you want to be both. Maybe you are okay being neither of the two.

11:59 pm

Just came back from polishing off a Stuffed Crust Pizza with a Berry Mohito. The traffic on the roads is insane. Its like Qatar just learnt that there is a thing called having a life. I am going to go into hibernation so I don't have to face the horrific traffic everywhere.

Good luck to everyone who still has to shop for Eid.

Adieu !

SAP
............

Its What He Would Do

My father is a very religious man. The kind of man whose faith is undeniably strong. He not only tries his best to live according to the Sunnahs but makes sure that others do as well. He has traveled all over the world, dedicating his life to what is called "Tableeg" which is basically trying to become better Muslims and working hard to convey this to others as well.

I am very proud of my father for that. His eyes light up, words gain speed when he starts talking about Islam and trying to be bettet Muslims. Its his passion. Despite that he has never forced any of us to do the same. He has given us that freedom to do things because we believe in them and because its Allah's order. Not because he has forced them upon us.

His journey started in University and since that he has had a beard. Its almost white now with bits of black here and there. But its something that signifies who he is. And what he loves doing. Its not just a beard for him. Its his whole life in form of memory cards with each detail meticulously catolouged. So what do you do when you are given the task of choosing between his love and his life ? Do you choose life because that id what you want ? Or you choose love because that is what he would want ? What do you do when you are forced to take a decision as hard as bombing a nation ?

After almost three weeks in the ICU, doctors said that they need to perform Tracheostomy, a procedure to help a patient breath. Now this is done by making a opening where your neck meets your body. And a pipe is inserted there with a suppory sustem to hold all that in place. The doctors said that its standard procedure to have certain portion where you are go to operate, be sanitized. They needed to shave his beard.

Huzaifa immediately said no. Me and amma said the same. We talked about it. First of all, my father himself had strictly told us not to do anything of the sort if something happens to him. Secondly, it wasnt our place to do that. Its his beard. Something that he has kept all his life. How can we take any decision regarding his beliefs ? You see, I believe in health being above it all. Had it been anyone else, I would have cared less. But this was someone who had spent his life leaving his family to do something good. It was not just a mop of hair on his chin. It was his life's work, staring right at us.

So at first the nurses trimmed it a bit and cut some from the sides after getting our permission. But then it was noy working out. Because there was a high chance of infection where his beard touched the pipe.

We decided to ask someone more knowledgable and called my brother in Pakistan. He asked Muftis (a person who has learnt 50000 Hadees and is most knowledgeable about Islam). He said that you can shave the beard if its absolutely necessary. Even then Huzaifa relented. He kept saying no. The doctors were very cooperative and did their best to help us.

In the end, aftet a suggestion from a nurse, Huzaifa decided to trim his beard himself. He tied the longest at the chin. And then trimmed the rest.

My point is I am not that religious. Neither is Huzaifa. And it was really hard to take these decisions. It was like questioning whether to throw all my books or keep them in storage. The answer was hard and not ours to give. But under the circumstances we had to.

This was not about what we wanted to do. This was about what Abbu would want to be done in such a situation. Life has a sick sense of humour to do these kind of things. It throws oranges at you while asking you to make lemonade. What you have to do is make Orangeade.

Sometimes you do what the other person wants while putting your thoughts behind. You do it because deep down you know that you would want someone to follow your wishes if you were the one in that situation. We all have different things wr believe in. What we need to remember is what the other person believes in.

                           ...SAP.....

Letters To The Moon # 7

Dear Moon,

Apparently, not knowing whether your husband is wearing the new shoes or not is also a crime in the married world.

I need some answers from these so called Desi mothers of ours. Why the hell do you bring up your kids so dependent on you ? They are independent enough to study in international universities, go to work at world renown companies but are not able to match their ties with shirts. How ? And why ? How is it a wife's responsibility to pick up his clothes off the floor ? Or call him every two hours to ask if he had breakfast, lunch etc ? Is he not sane enough to go and eat by himself ? or is he incapable of doing that ?

Please let your kids grow up. Let them do things on their own. Stop doing things for them. You are just creating problems. Nothing else.

You are just creating a grown up child who still wants his mommy at every step of the way. If you want to do that, do it by all means. Do not marry them then. Girls are not lying around waiting to care whether your son has new shoes on or not. Nor are they in a line to get ready every day for your son.

We have lives of our own. Lives we would like to live. We have personalities, habits, hobbies. Our lives are not because of your sons. We are made to parade around them like some sort of peacocks. We have to make sure that we love what they love. And eat what they eat. If they like chocolate and heaven forbids, we don't, that should be declared a crime, punishable by 5 years in jail.

In life, there comes a time, when you have to let go of your kids. If you try to hold onto them, tying the strings tighter, knot after knot, eventually they will break off these ties and go their way. You will be left behind wondering what you did wrong. On the other hand, letting them live their lives will mean that they include you in it as well. They give you the place and love you want and deserve.

Let that love be from the heart. Let it be pure.

Don't try to force something that can never be forced upon.

Yours always,

S

P.S. One day, I will actually say it to people's faces, till then let us just be content with this.

Letters To The Moon # 6

Dear Moon,

Its hard when you are caught in between things. You are in the middle of one of those suspended rope bridges on top of a river, seen on TV which everyone wants to cross, but it turns out that you are stuck. You cannot go forward because what awaits you is more horrifying than the rope under your feet. And you certainly cannot go back. So you stand their, holding onto the side of the bridge with all the strength that you can muster, hoping and praying that the bridge stays secure. And some miracle occurs.

I am caught in between life. I do one thing and the other suffers. And this between, its not a happy place. It is more of a temporary one.

Today, I realised something. That I do not need to be afraid. My biggest strength is standing right in front of me and I was oblivious to it all this time. I do not have to carry all that baggage with me. I do not have to be the bad person by talking back or talking about anything that I want.

All I have to do is be strong. Work hard and hold my ground on the things I love and the things I want to do.

Things are very simple. Its me who makes them complicated thinking about the consequences.

Here is the reality. I am not answerable to anyone. I am an adult. Okay, if you want to take it this way then the only person I need to consult in my decisions is my husband. And lets be honest, he is rarely going to have a problem with what I do with my life. If he is with me, the rest can go to an abandoned parking lot. I do not give a shit.

I am out of my parents jurisdiction. I am my own person now. So I should stop taking crap from all the other people in my life. And start paying attention. Thing is that no one will have a right to say anything if he is with me. So why the hell have I started caring so bloody much about it all ?

Why have I become such a tension freak ? Not every tiny detail is my fault. And I should stop taking it as that.

Yours always,

S

P.S. This is the moment where Abdullah realizes that he is screwed. But I am glad that I married the right person.

Letters To The Husband # 2

Dear Abdullah,

The reason I started these letters was because I like to say thing, explain my thoughts, put them in words or write them down, I like expressing my views. But here is the problem, you don't like listening to me saying the same thing in ten ways for 15 minutes. I like saying everything that is on my mind, even if my theory has ten aspects and you understand it in the first two minutes. My mind needs to hear them out loud, for me to think it over and save it. So I thought, I will just write to you because you do read my blog.

You are a very content man and I love that quality about you. But being content stops you from aspiring for better things in life. It stops you from thinking ahead and you end up exactly where you were ten years ago. Living in the present is amazing but at the same time, we need to at least think about where we want our life to lead. We don't have any control over what happens but we owe it to ourselves to at least try.

Something that my friend's dad once said (which has stayed with me all this time), that I want the quality of my life to be good. When I work hard and get paid more, I am not going to put it all into savings for my retirement, first and foremost I will increase the quality of my life.

Don't get me wrong. I don't envy people who have the luxury to shop in Louise Vuitton or Gucci all day. Or take endless vacations to exotic places. Neither am I ungrateful for everything I have. Because I know that I live better than 90 % of the population in this world. And I probably don't deserve all that.

But I do like to aspire and work for better things in life. Whether that is the opportunity to travel more. Or buying more books. I like the idea of standing in my own apartment, a car parked underneath, studying further, a job that I love and all that being the result of our hard work. I say our, and I mean our. I do not mean YOURS or MINE. I know that a lot of the time, the things I say are either yours or mine. But this is OURS. I want us to have two separate lives intertwined with each others. The freedom to do what we want, at the same time be willing to compromise on certain things. But all that being OUR decision., not yours or mine or anyone else's.

I strayed from my point again. SORRY !

Khair, my point is that while we are very lucky and fortunate to live the way we do. But it's not all I want. It's not all what you should want.

Lately, I have seen you talking about what you want to do in the future. And here is what I think. I think you should do it. You know what we were talking about the other day and I kept interrupting you, telling my ideas. Let's do it. Right now. Right here. At this point in our lives.

If there is one thing I have learnt, it is that there is no time like the present to try.

Let's do something that you love and I have no interest in. But I am willing to try.

Yours,

SAP 

Letters To The Husband # 2

Abdullah, (You do not deserve to be called dear today)

OMG ! You said something so insensitive that for two whole seconds I kept looking at you with zero facial expressions. Here is the reason, because I did not know how to react.

You ask what you did ? Good question. Here is a recap. Remember, when you asked me very politely why I cannot eat a small scoop of ice cream ? Why was it that my ice cream quantity had to be at least big enough for four people ?

I mean, how can you even ask that ? Who asks that ? Its ice cream. Its the number one rule of eating ice cream. You do not just get a single short teeny tiny scoop. That is like staring at it with puppy dog eyes. I have NEVER eaten a small scoop. I did not even know that they existed until I married you. You, my friend are a shame to the world of ice cream.

I do not remember even Moawiz ordering a small scoop for himself, even when he was four. That kids has better taste than you.

Here is the funny part. So today, after your stupid question, I ordered two small scoops, one Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough and the other Mint Chocolate Chip. I was done before we even arrived home and it takes us like five minutes to get home. Ice cream should not disappear in five minutes. I seriously thought that someone had robbed me when I was eating it. Because it was like I had not even started that it finished.

This was a huge mistake on my point. Needless to say, that is not happening again.

Remember how we talked about my daily need of ice cream and you ooh so high and mightily pointed out that paying 18 riyals daily for ice cream was a little too much. I resorted to eating McDonalds ice cream. (Thank you McDonalds for keeping people like me alive and sane )

You need to remember this generosity of mine. Let's be honest dude. If a time ever came that I have to choose between you and ice cream, you know what my choice will be.

My point is, the next time you make such an outrageous comment on my perfectly healthy and awesome lifestyle choices, please decide whether you want to live with me peacefully or just live with me. The choice is yours. ;)

Ice cream's truly,

S

.......

A Miss Of Expat Life

Dij : "F just got engaged. "

Me: " Whatttt ??? That's huge and awesome. What did she wear ? What did you wear ? Where did it happen ? I need all the details ASAP. "

I am typing this while reaching for the laptop and logging on to Facebook, still in my Abaya, just to see if she has uploaded any pictures, to see what she wore to the big day, how her fiance looked, what the ring was like, what my friend wore, every tiny detail of the function. I checked my Instagram after that to see more of her pictures and comment my happiness on them.

When you have friends in different countries, at first its very exciting. But it becomes boring and lonely pretty soon. Here is the hard part, you miss your friends graduation, their birthday, then their engagements and weddings. The first time it happens, it hurts a lot. Because at the end of the day, there is not much you can do.

I remember, back in the day, when we moved from KSA, I never felt this because I was visiting Jeddah every two months due to several reasons. We did that for almost two years. And I was much younger at the time. So getting a phone call from a friend, in another country, on your birthday was a huge deal for me. We all made an effort to wish each other, post presents and still be the same way. But it did not work like that. Phone calls were missed, numbers miss placed or changed, presents lost in the mail and distance just created these invisible barriers between us.

When you are younger, you do not make that much of an effort to keep in touch with someone who is not in a hundred km radius. Its just the way it is.

But as you grow older, you meet other people, the ones you leave behind start coming back to you and you start keeping tabs on them. Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Skype, Viber etc have made this much easier than it was in the days of MSN emails, texts and actual phone calls.

I remember looking at my best friend's (at the time) pictures from a birthday party, every single person I knew, people I even hated were there, except me. Hands in hands, or on shoulders, drinks in huge glasses, some of my friends trying to sit down, some bending to get in focus, smiling at the camera, that picture came out perfect. But I was not in it. That picture was still complete. Like I never existed. I hated being an expat at that moment.

I am extremely lucky that people message me to tell the important happenings in their life or their sibling's life, or friends who get worried if I don't reply, who don't say anything if I forget their birthday or graduation. because they know that as long distance friends, we are past all that.

Its a hit and miss. Sometimes your wishes will reach them on time. Sometime they won't. But the thing is, your wishes mean that much more to the other person. Because they know how busy you are in your life. Taking time out of it to simply message them, congratulating on their special occasions becomes a big deal.

...SAP...

Letter To The Husband # 1

Dear Abdullah,

First of all I sincerely apologise for what I am about to do. But I am going to do it anyway, that is write about you. Because I want to and this is a free world.

I love writing letters and doing sentimental things like that. But you do not even try to like that. I thought why not write a virtual one since you do read my blog.

I have realised that I do not appreciate you as much as I should. That is because I know that I am stuck with you for life, whether I like it or not. Like the fact that I hate your habit of throwing your clothes on the floor or never paying at a restaurant. Your wallet only materializes when we are at KFC, McDonalds, Shawarma place, Burger King, Baqala etc. Dude, be a man and learn to pay up.

The past year has been really weird for me because as much as the world and our society tried to change me, you did not try at all. And the ironic part is that I expected the total opposite. And while everyone else was busy telling me how to wear clothes or make a certain dish or go to someone's house, you were there telling me it was okay to be whoever I wanted. Or not do anything at all. I felt okay, like even if I stopped studying or did not cover myself in a layer of make up, I would still be okay.

I have learnt a lot about people, how they are, what they say and what they really mean. But in all that, I have seen you as well. And every time I look at you, my optimism soars, like a bird flying higher and higher. Because you are the most content man I know. You are happy and perfectly okay the way you are right at this second whereas the rest of us, want this, achieve that or travel there.

I remember telling you, more like babbling about what I wanted to do in life, the places I wanted to explore, people I wanted to meet, food to eat etc. And I asked you, what do you want ? And you said, "Me ??? Well, I have everything I ever wanted. Actually, more. I don't want anything else. I already have more than I deserve."

Let me just tell you that my eyes almost popped out. And I did not believe a letter of what you said that day. But as I started to live with you, I realised that you were not lying.

I am not saying that you are perfect because lets be honest, you are not. And there are a million things I don't like about you but this letter is not about that.

Its about appreciating you. acknowledging the fact that I do know about the good things in life.

I know that at times you have uncertainties about us. But let me tell you a secret, I think that as long you are you and I am me, we will be just fine.

Right now there are about fifteen trophies in our room and not a single one of them has been earned by either of us. And they are taunting me.

Can I drink coke in one of them ? Ooh, that would be so cool. I am doing that tomorrow.

I just wanted to let you know that I know what a good person you are. And I am glad that you are in my life. Because believe me when I say this, I would not be sitting right here if it was not for you.

Yours always,

S

P.S. I still hate you for bailing out on me, for getting Frozen Coke.
P.P.S. This was the good part. Eventually the bad ones will be out as well.
P.P.P.S. The only reason I am writing this is because at least you will READ what I WRITE this way.

This Society And Its Cruelness

There was a death in the city three days ago.

.

An aunty very dear to us, had the misfortune of losing her husband. He was in the hospital the past 1 and a half month, really sick, not being able to cope with pain but he was breathing, alive. 

I have seen that aunty go about her day, working selflessly for others. When she got married, her husband had a whole family to support, so she spend her years, cutting down her needs, educating and then marrying her husbands siblings. By that time, her own kids were grown up, so there studies became a priority. After that came marriages and finally after all these years, she was free. 

The time had come for her to sit back and relax. 

But destiny had something else in mind. 

Word gets around very fast. Its twisted like a piece of twine. Some of the things I heard were down right cruel. 

"See, his sons are Hafiz-e-Quran. But when I asked him to read Quran to his father, he put it on a mobile instead of reading it out loud himself."

"We went to their house to pay our respects and his daughters did not even come out of there rooms."

"I was sitting there for half an hour and I was not asked for water. Back home, we are served tea, samosas, biscuits etc."

"All of there kids are so rude. What was the use of their parents sacrificing so much for such selfish kids ?"

"At least my kids are not like this. If I die, they will arrange for catering and make sure no one goes hungry from our house."

"Ali Sahab and his wife were religious but their kids were not at all. They cared too much about worldly things."

"Parents need to focus more on their kids upbringing. Ali Sahab should have paid attention to his kids religious education."

"His eldest daughter was not even crying. Instead of tears dripping down her face, she was looking after her own daughter."

"Where was their daughter in law's family ? My neighbour's daughter told me that no one visited, from their family in these three days."

This is what is being talked about at a dead man's funeral.

Yes, they are praying for his forgiveness in the next world, for him to be awarded Jannah, reciting Quran and Darood Shareef for hours. But when they go back to their homes, this is what they talk about. Apparently, this was more important then that man's funeral.

So the next time, someone dies near to us. We need to forget our own grief and cater to the people around us. We need to make sure that they get tea, biscuits, eat Biryani, Qorma, Karahi and then Gajar ka Halwa for dessert. Then spread quilts filled with bird feathers, under them so they sit in the most comfortable way possible. We should assist them in every way so they go home and talk about some other nonsense.

You would expect that our society would leave you alone when a person you dearly loved, dies.

But no ! Not even death can put scotch tape on their mouths.

Lord knows what truly can. 

I Am Free

Right now I am sitting on the Rust coloured, disgusting looking but very comfortable couch, wrapped in Muaaz's fluffy blanket, typing away with Royal Blue nail polish on my hands, without a care in the world.

Its 5:15 am now and my alarm for Fajr prayer just went off. I dismissed it.

That is what I do. I come here, turn off all the alarms on my phone, with that I turn off the monotonous boring judging routine as well. My 'not a care in the world' switch is turned on automatically.

I leave all of my worries at the door which has the "Pirachas" sign hanging loop sided above it.

I need this. After a hectic week or two, I need to come back to this house, see my life over here and know that this still exists. The 'Live In The Moment" sign, Eiffel Tower and the colourful bed spreads are all reminders of me still being a 19 year old with a huge reading list, a small pocket and a lot of crap. I instantly become the Sumaica who says whatever comes in her mouth and tells her mother to stop taking everything to the heart.

In that house, I am the grown up version of myself. The version that got married, started living in a real bedroom with colour co-ordinated furniture, walls, curtains etc and has had to listen to more drama.

I am a free bird over here, where my mind actually works at 6 in the morning and I start writing. I dream, make plans, think of the future, hope for higher things and be happy in what I have.

The other me is just too busy dealing with everything else that at the end of the day, when she comes to bed, all she thinks about is if something that she did or said will go south the next day.

I take off the embroidered Bareeze suits, gold sets etc, put on my smiley pajama pants, double layer the t shirts, put my books in the bag, grab my laptop and I am out of the door to be my free self. My mom was not home today but I still came because I needed to lie on this crappy sofa, have a terrible back ache, eat a load of smoothie turned ice cream and let go of everything of the past week.

When you get married, there are these invisible shackles that bound you to a typical lifestyle which you have to accept. You may not see the binding but trust me its there. You start taking into account the things that are not even present. You have to think ten steps ahead.

Its not about you.

In my case, its about my parents.

And the wonderful guy in my life.

...SAP...

He Meets People

We agree to meet outside Forever 21 after praying. Then he heads off to right while I go straight and then turn left, going to our respective prayer areas. After I have prayed, browsed around in Forever 21 for a good 20 minutes while keeping an eye outside, he is still not near the pillar with that exotic blue wallpaper. I make a trip right across the pillar, to H&M, buying earrings for a killer price of 5 QR. I come back to the designated area, when I spot him talking to someone with a smile on his face and a persona of amiableness.

This was when we were shopping in the Dubai Mall. 

It was our last day in the city. We had woken up pretty late. But had prayed Duhr in the Haram, and Asr as well. We decided to stay for the other two prayers as well, thinking that a trip to the hotel and back would cost us one of the prayers. We went for lunch at the Makkah Towers and ordered Steakhouse Burger from Burger King which was massive compared to the one in Qatar. In that half an hour, I also managed to do some damage on the pocket and get diamonds. We came back to the Haram and went to the bathroom to freshen up. When we met up, he tells me that he just met up with a colleague of his from the previous company he worked in, in Qatar. 

This was when we went for Umrah in Makkah. 

I managed to drag him to the book fair. He follows me like a disgruntled child, looking quiet the man in an all black ensemble, while I went from bookstall to bookstall, spewing out anger over the lack of books and the excess of crap. I come to terms with the fact that I have to do with that amount of books for now, so I start looking seriously and completely forget the world around me. When I turn to find the sales man, I see him shaking hands with a man and saying something to him. 

This was in the Convention Center Qatar. 

The first guy was someone he played with, in one of his cricket teams. The second, a colleague from a previous company and the third, was a guy he used to say Hi to everyday in the lift of his previous employer. He didn't even know the name of the last one. 

This is not normal for him. For he is not a very social person. He does not have tons of friends. He doesn't hang out with his buddies on the weekends or stay out late watching movies. He doesn't keep up with where his friends from school are. He hates attending social dinners and weddings. 

But he meets people. And people meet him. He is well liked by them all. I find this enchanting and a little surreal. I have seen people flocked to my mother but that is because she is social to the core. Over the past months, there have been many more encounters but these were the ones I remembered. 

I do not know what it is it that makes this happen but its cool to say the least. 

The only people I see are the ones who are necessary to run away from, for my own good.

...SAP...

2014 ! The Year of Survival

2014 !

Where should I start from ? I think I should address the elephant in the room. I got married. YIKES ! That still sounds shocking to me. Every time someone mentions me being married, I turn around and try to take it in. I have not succeeded in that. Yet.

A friend of mine told me to enjoy every part of my wedding process. And I did.

Damn, man ! I freaking loved every single bit of it. It was awesome.

2014 started with us changing houses. I finally got my own room but got to reside in it only for two months.

Because our next venture was the trip to Pakistan. My dad tried to convince us to order everything online and get it done with it. But I wanted to go there and do everything myself. So I went. It was two awesome months including a lot of trips, adventures, things that deserve their own writing.

2014 taught me that things do not go the way we want them to. That doesn't mean that we don't get what we want. Its just that the path leading us to them can be slightly different, sometimes longer, sometimes twisted, sometimes even straight. So do not freak out if something out of the ordinary happens to you. Just be patient and trust in Allah.

People are mean. And this is coming from the person who has been the victim of our society many times. But when you get married, this meanness is up to a whole other level.

It has taken me a lot of time to get my head wrapped around everything that has been going on and trying my best to not take everything personally.

It was the year of personal growth. I have become more patient, more accepting and tolerant. Living in a joint family teaches you a lot. You don't always get to do things the way you want. And it takes a bit of strength to not go mad. The hardest thing I have learnt is to keep my MOUTH SHUT. Oh God ! Don't even get me started on this one. I have always been the person who says whatever she wants, without thinking about it first. I do not take crap from anyone. And its so hard to keep those instincts down. To smile and keep my mouth shut when all I want to say is, what a LOAD OF CRAP ! Okay, I admit. I get it out on Abdullah. You gotta do what you gotta do to keep sane.

Also, you cannot really be sarcastic. But that's fine. I balance it out with my siblings.

The reason I did not blog about my wedding has been procrastination. Simply, because I ended up watching a lot of youtube instead of writing whenever I got the chance. Also I just did not want to write. And I am a firm believer in doing things when you want to. And yeah, I was afraid of what people would say. I got my share of sarcastic remarks, you would say, on me getting married. The ironic part is I know that I have had the same thoughts on someone getting married at 19.

Every few weeks, Abdullah asks me if my views have changed on getting married young. My answer, NO !

Why make your life hard when you have it easy ?

But that is not to say that I do not enjoy it. I have had my share of awesomeness in the past year. I have traveled a lot. I have gotten to know Abdullah better. I say this to him a lot that if you had not made it worthwhile, I would have run away a long time ago. I have made another best friend.

2014 was basically the year of survival. While I didn't reach the winning stream, I didn't drown as well. I did things on my own pace.

Basically, I survived.

....SAP....

It Rained ! In Qatar ! In November !

I was just coming out of the bathroom, when I was informed by my dear husband that I had just missed the first thunderstorm of the season.

My reaction consisted of a lot of shrieking and running to the window to inspect everything myself. The sky was so beautiful. It looked like it was 5 in the evening, when the sun is almost down, and its that moment between going all dark and being full bright.

With more pressing matters on my mind like getting make up off my face and changing into comfy PJ's, I moved on from the sky.

We were ready to go to sleep. At least Mr A was. I had tons of studying to do. But following his routine, he got up to smoke. And that magical moment when I am told that it is raining. I have never appreciated his smoking habits more.

I ran to the window. And it was raining.

In Qatar ! In November ! Aaaah, what a magical night !

I wanted to jump out of the window and dance in the rain. But sadly, now my actions are monitored.

I am proud to say that I did not forget my camera. Which was such a waste because I ended up not using it anyway.

When we went downstairs into the compound, I was so sad to see that no one was outside.

NOT A SINGLE SOUL !

IT WAS RAINING. In QATAR ! And no one was out.

Everyone was hanging out from there windows, taking pictures on their I pads or phones.

We being the stupid ones got into the car and went on a drive. After getting into the car, I realised that showering myself with rain and getting the brand new leather seats ruined is not an option. My heart was crying and cursing my husband at that point. And my, why the hell did I marry this guy ? thoughts were back.

But after two streets, he thankfully reversed the car and we came back home to rain.

There was still no one outside in the compound. It made me sad. What has the world come to ? Why are things like rain and rainbows hold no importance in our life anymore ? How is it that today, we are more into updating our statuses about rain than going out and enjoying it ?

In Pakistan, we had a ritual. The minute rain started, my dad would tell mom to make "Pakoras". All us kids would be out playing games like "Pakkan Pakrai" and cricket in the rain. Lemonade would be made. My mom would hand out all the snacks to dripping wet kids. Our days of rain would always end by having a huge water fight with all the water bottles of the house.

I love technology and all the ways our life has become easier. But I do miss the fact that we have forgotten the small things in life.

Like rain, sunsets and rainbows.

....SAP....

How Does This World Work ?

I have my own bank account.

Every time I say these words, there is this shock that comes with it.

How ?

I still cannot believe that.

I know that today, its very normal to have a bank account. Every kid on the street probably has a credit card.

But for me its not a small thing. I mean, I am 19 and I have my own account with my own money in it. When did that happen ? When did I become capable of doing that ?

There are people in this world, who live there entire lives working hard to get certain things. And I have all those things without even lifting my finger. And I am only 19.

It makes me wonder how this world works.

For me bank accounts portray first jobs, first hard earned money that you slaved for all your life. You started with nursery, went on to primary school and somehow ended up in an office after submitting dozens of CV's, giving interviews, feeling like a complete loser despite having a legit degree. That is what an account is worth to me. It signifies achievements and that sweat your poured into whatever you did to have those few notes transacted in your account.

So it feels weird to me. It feels surreal. Because I am getting all this without working for it. Unless you count surviving a marriage.

Than hell yeah, I deserve this.

I do not count that. So lets just leave it at that.

The thing I am most excited about is seeing my name on that piece of magical card which brings money to you.

Or not, if your account is empty. Which mine is going to be pretty soon.

I am actually going to challenge myself to see how many months I can survive before my bank balance goes zero.

...SAP...

Pir-e-Kamil !

Aab e Hayyat !

Its first episode is right in front of me. And I do not know what to do.

I love Pir e Kamil. Love is a very small word to describe what I feel for this book. Its that book. The book that changes your life.

How you think about it. How you live it. How you do anything.

I cannot decide whether I should read it or not. I know I am not going to able to contain myself. But I just want to take a moment and remember what it felt like to start this book. Once again, this book is going to change my life.

I have been waiting for this book since 2008. That was the year that I read Pir E Kamil. I was 13. Barely old enough to understand the book. My Khala gifted this book to my elder brother on his result after he told her how much he had loved reading a little bit of it.

Huzaifa used to write about this book in every Slam Diary that I made. And he kept telling people to read it. His only advice was read Pir e Kamil. It will change your world.

And he was right.

Because it did change my world.

Whenever I go back to this book, I start seeing it in a different light. I learn something new, something incredible. The book is like a maze, the more you explore it, the more you keep finding treasures.

I wish I had the ability to write just 1 percent as Umera Ahmed does. But than, its a gift.

After reading this book for the first time, I am never going to have that. I am never going to be able to read it again. To have that feeling where you know you are reading an incredible book and you do not know what is to come.

One thing is certain, I will love this book no matter how the story folds out.

...SAP...

Removal Of Assets

I am studying to be an Accountant.

This semester, I am studying topics like Fraud and Internal Control in an organisation, in one of the papers. There are two types of fraud. One is "Removal of Assets or Funds From the Business". Something that comes under this category is "Misappropriation of assets from the organisation", which basically means that as an employee, you are taking an advantage of your position. You may be taking something home that belongs to the organisation. It can be a small thing like a Stapler. Or you might be stealing high end perfumes from the shop.

When I was a kid, my dad always said that stealing is stealing. Whether it is a pencil or a laptop. Its the act that is the same, the thing is of no value. He used to bite the end of his pencils in his office so if he took them home, he knew which one was the company's. And to this day, not one of us kid is allowed to write with any of the pens that my dad uses because they are not ours.

None of us give any importance to little matters like this. But the truth is that it is fraud. You are committing a felony.

Another type of fraud that is included in this category is "Misusing of Organisation's Assets". The most common instance is that we are given a car for office use. But instead it is in your son's hands being used to hang out with his friends. Or for sight seeing Kangaroos with your daughters best friend and your wife's sister's family.

After working in the same company for more than 25 years, now my dad uses his office car for personal use as well. And its only after being granted the official permission. According to him, I do not want my kids being dishonest. It starts with stealing a pencil and than leads to cars, drugs, money etc in the future.

It does not matter what's the value of the thing you misused or stole.

We as human beings have a tendency to dismiss such things as "Being small matters and not that big of a deal".

It will become a big deal, once you develop the thinking that you can utilise anything that comes your way regardless to who it belongs to.

In school, everyone used to open each others bags to take out a notebook or a pen without asking or telling. Obviously, I did not mind my friends opening my school bag. But than everyone who wanted something would just waltz in and open my bag like its their property. I hated that. And I made sure that everyone knew that.

I mean, didn't your mom ever teach you to ask before taking something ?

If you have forgotten. Than start learning.

If you don't. Its called "STEALING". Which is a "FELONY".

Yes, you might not go to jail for taking a rubber out of my pencil box. But when that rubber converts to an Omega watch, you will find yourself in a 7 by 8 foot room.

...SAP...

Having To Act Older

I got married at 19. Which sounds crazy right now but it turned out good in my case.

One of the things that I have to deal with because of getting married at such a young age is people wanting me to act ten years older than I really am.

Despite being the youngest in the house and being married to the third kid in the family, everyone is adamant to make me the eldest.

I am 19. I am going to act 19. Just because I said yes to this social stigma does not mean that I have grown horns and am a Stag now. I am at the age where all I want to do is sleep, study, eat, do what I love and repeat. I want to go out and spend all my money on one thing i.e, if I have money in the first place. I do not have any responsibilities on my shoulder and the last thing I desire is to act as someone would want me to. So I do not give a second thought to what people say about me or to me.

Because its not on my list of things to care about.

I am going to act stupid and make poor decisions. I am going to disagree with you on certain things and do what I want in others. I am going to eat out all week and gain weight. I will stay up all night watching Harvey somehow winning despite losing the case and than Mike Ross dumping his girlfriend for someone else. I will make excuses to go out on endless dinners to people's houses I barely know.

The last thing I would want to do is get ready every single day. I do not mean the put on clothes, a couple pieces of jewelry, Mascara, Kajal and Lip Gloss and hope to look half decent. Its more like choosing the clothes with the most beads and thread work on, matching the bag and shoes, making your sure your skin looks like it can be featured in a B grade style magazine, putting on as much of the Gold jewelry as you can manage and after that, praying to not look like you are on your way to a wedding. When instead you are at home decorating yourself for no reason.

Imagine going out for a walk on corniche in that attire.

People expect that you will change your husbands habits and make him quit smoking or not drink Pepsi. They want you to participate in every small thing that goes around the house. You are suppose to take part in what gifts to be given to others. You have to go to all their friends and relatives and be the picture of a "Perfect Bahu". Everyone expects that you will make the other do stuff they do not want, as if you are a magician instead of a girl.

I would not want someone to tell me to stop drinking Coke than why should I tell him ? Everyone of my mothers endless friends know that I will appear in their social gatherings only on Eid.

Its not that I cannot bear all these little things. I can. And I do.

But sometimes they infuriate me.

There so much small talk that I can make.

Almost all the friends in your family's circle are in their Forties or Fifties. And I am not even half that age. I cannot bridge that gap just because one day I got married.

Not happening any time soon.

I have been lucky in this regard that I am blessed with an incredible family, who 95% percent of the time treat me, my age. And let me be who I am instead of making me what everyone wants. Its been almost four months since I got married and I have attended a total of 5 Post Wedding Mandatory Show Off Dawats. In another time and place, I would be attending at least a 100 of them.

And I am not even exaggerating right now.

Basically you have to get ready, eat and socialize with plastic smiles on your faces and acting as if you care.

When in reality you are just two crazy kids trying to figure out life and being happy at the same time.

I know that I might sound ungrateful. Some girls do want to do all that. But I do not. Not at this age or any age, for that. Everyone has different things that they find difficult.

This is just one of mine.

...SAP...

I Can Finally Drive

Even before I turned 16, I wanted to go to USA. Because you could get your drivers license at 16. That was the utmost teenager dream of mine. I had it all planned out. I would get an International Drivers License and hopefully, I could drive in Qatar at 16, as well.

My dear dad was kind enough to hand me the keys and show me the place behind the steering wheel at 11 years. I used to drive alongside the beach right up the Saudi border because we used to visit it every month to get our Visit Visa renewed.

As I grew up, I got busy in other things and driving was pushed to the back of my mind. 

But as 20 May 2013 came nearer, my excitement grew. Because I would finally turn 18. The sacred moment I had waited for all these years. 

Imagine me, driving Corniche road, looking hip in Mint Ray-Bans and the stereo cracked up to my "at the moment obsessed song".

And than crashing the car. 

I turned 18 and because exams were going on, decided to wait for the license. But than, came a string of occasions or reasons that I refrained from getting the license. I kept putting it off.

That burning desire was gone. 

It happens. When you want something very badly and somehow you have to wait for it, the desire just goes away. When you finally get it, its not the same. 

You are not the same. 

Since last week, I had been gathering up documents and getting information from Driving Schools to finally get my Drivers License. But I could not feel that 15 year old me wanting to go to USA vibe anymore.

It was a fine moment. Not an UH-MAZING moment.

But today, I entered the Driving School to finally get my Admittance Card and get everything finalised. All of a sudden, I was that 15 year old Sumaica again. 

It hit me. I am getting my Drivers License. I can finally drive a car. I can stop throwing water on my brother or begging different people to drive me around.

And best of all, I get to listen to whatever I want. There is no one to change the sound track.

...SAP...