Day 4, July 2, 2015

12:20 pm

I am on a very good sleeping schedule these days. I mean, I am sleeping less and am still active throughout the day instead of dousing every few seconds. I sleep after Fajr which is 4:00 am in the morning and than wake up at 10:30 am.

Here is the problem though. I haven't been productive like I always dream to be. By that I mean, I have been watching Scandal. That is all I have been doing for the past four days. I would not mind it in normal circumstances but when your life is on the line, it kinda becomes important.

I do not know how to stop. The only way I know is to finish it.

4:38 pm

It was suggested today that I am a big spender. Unlike a loyal obedient wife, I don't save every tiny penny that comes out of my husbands pocket. Instead, I get late night ice creams and eat out on weekends. I buy shoes, clothes and books. I indulge in things that I shouldn't. I spend money when instead I should be saving it to buy property, build houses in Pakistan and buy Gold as a means of saving. Property that will sit there as some sort of back up, houses I will never live in and Gold that will sit in a bank locker only to be weighed and paid Zakat for, every year.

First of all, I don't think that I am a big spender. If I look back on this year, my biggest expense would probably be my books. All of whom are paid by the pocket money I receive. I have bought one pair of shoes, that also in sale. Its not because I could not. Its because I did not need any more shoes. I already have a lot.

The one thing I did go all out on was Abdullah's wardrobe. And trust me, that needed updating. Because it looked like a homeless person's wardrobe where half the clothes didn't fit him and half weren't even his. So, yes. I did buy a lot of stuff. Because I like men to be well dressed. They deserve to.

I am pretty proud of myself for the fact that I have controlled the way I spend money and have bought things that I know I will use. So when you hear someone tell you that what you are doing is wrong. It hurts like a bitch.

It makes you realize the mistake you have made of considering your husbands money as your own. It makes you hate yourself for getting married before finishing your studies, before standing on your own feet, before being independent enough to not listen to someone slap you across your face with words.

The worst part is that we did save money. And we spent it, doing something good for them.

People say that I don't have responsibilities. That's why I can spend money on things like food and clothes. As if living with In laws was not the biggest responsibility ever.

Nonetheless, let me make one thing every clear.

Even when I am responsible for feeding, clothing and educating my family, I am not going to spend money buying houses in places I do not know whether I will live in or not. Instead, I will continue eating out on weekends. And watching movies. And going bowling. I won't buy heaps of gold to add to my stash. Instead, I will be taking a vacation. Somewhere out of country, where my kids will get to experience different cultures and acquire knowledge. I will be spending on Disneyland tickets, ice skating rinks and seeing the view from top of the Burj Khalifa. That is how I will be fulfilling my responsibilities.

And if need be, I will be okay to cut down on all these things. But don't for a second think that I will deprive myself and my family the chance to live a life in the moment in order to make a life in the future.

I have been blessed enough that I was given a lot of things on my wedding. And I intend to keep those as my saving. I don't need a lesson in saving money for the hard times. I don't need to be told to keep it in control.

If there was one thing I was taught, that was to spend what is my budget. And believe me when I say that, even when I am buying a double scoop ice cream, I know that its in my budget. You can set your own budget. You can set rules for how you have spent your life and want to continue doing so.

But please, I don't agree with your views. Please, let me set my own budget. For once, let me do what I want. Let me be who I want to be.

Adieu !

SAP
............

I Am Thankful

What is it that makes us thankful ?

My dad always says that its that time when someone whacks you in the kneecaps with a hammer, and you are forced to fall down on your knees, that is when you see your feet in shoes. And you see the pavement underneath it. You don't think about the workers who put that pavement together in scorching heat with bruised hands.

Living in Jeddah, we all had our own rooms which we decorated according to our taste which meant having bicycles in the bedroom.

I never realised the luxury of it till we moved to Qatar and I had to share a room with brothers. Those were the times when I wanted to study, they wanted to sleep. I wanted to talk on the phone, they wanted to watch a movie.

Its the sound of that Aayyat, in your head that gives you goosebumps, while you shiver with the thought of all the blessings that are laid upon our feet.

And which of your Lord's bounties will you deny ? Surah Rahman (55, 13)

It gets me every time. Not just once or twice, but every time I hear it. And you start looking at the little things in life. Like the fact that you can buy a phone without giving it a second thought. Instead of choosing between paying the house rent or getting food in tiny hungry bellies, we get to choose between rows upon rows of shoes.

So I thought that I need to reflect on how the year has gone by and make a list of things that I am not only grateful for but also thankful.

1. I am thankful to be a Muslim and to be born in a Muslim family.
2. I am thankful for good health, good families and good food. More importantly the food.
3. I am thankful to have an incredible guy in my life whose contentment makes me envy him.
4. I am thankful for the chance to be my own person and to do what I want.
5. I am thankful that I got to travel a lot this year.
6. I am thankful for wearing Black on my wedding day and doing everything the way I wanted.
7. I am thankful for amazing friends in my life who I can never replace.
8. I am thankful to be the only girl in the family.
9. I am thankful to have, not just one but two bedrooms.
10. I am thankful for a wardrobe full of clothes, shoes, bags and rubbish I don't really need.
11. I am thankful for the increase in my pocket money. I mean, who does not ?

In short, I am grateful that I have had the life I did. Not many people are that fortunate.

And I am thankful for that.

...SAP...

Letters To The Moon # 1

Photo by Saleha Jamil.

Dear Moon,

You and I have a very strange relationship. You are the only thing that has entranced me every time I look upon it.

Yesterday, I was hanging clothes outside, on the wash line and I saw you. You were gleaming like morning dew on a freshly blossomed Rose.

The stars aligned themselves in a way so that when you come out, you are the only one shining. And they are just Mustard in a Hot Dog, helping you look your best.

I don't think you need that.

You are perfect the way you are. Because you like me have a story. Those marks, craters, dents and blemishes you bear are the signs of your tale.

I look at you and wonder how you can be so beautiful despite bearing so many marks. Its like you have been hand painted to look wounded yet pretty as a new bride.

You are like a victory mark for people like us. Ordinary people.

We have reached you.

Put a foot on you.

And now we have achieved something. Something that defines us to our generations. Our greatness. Our accomplishments.

What do you think ? Do you agree ? Do you want to be a part of that victory ? Or do you want to be left alone ? Do you ever wonder why someone did not ask you ? Why someone did not care about you ?

Do you ever feel like you have to fulfill expectations ? What if someone does not think that you are as worthy as you yourself think ? Or someone thinks that you are useless ?

I think that you are just a pawn in our game. The game that we win. And the people around us clap. They cheer on us. They look at you with contempt. Because everyone wants to see who lost to us.

So in a way, you are not that different from me.

Yours sincerely,

SAP

......

What are you ? -Poem

Photograph by Saleha Jamil

What are you ?
A bitter truth
Or a sweet lie

What are you ?
The blues in the sky
Or the dark circles under my eyes

What are you ?
A good nights sleep
Or a bad mornings awake

What are you ?
A lipstick stain on my shirt
Or a sign that says I will be hurt

What are you ?
My inner demons
Or the angel I appear to be

What are you ?
My deepest desires
Or happiness that I require

...SAP...

Another New Year

December 28, 2012

2012 is coming to an end. And I cannot believe that it is going to be over.  It seems just like yesterday when I was welcoming 2012. Another year has passed and life is still going. Time flies so quickly, it is like one minute you are looking at it and the next minute, you blink and another year stands in front of you. 

Personally 2012 started with a bang and it gave me the biggest news ever. On January 7, 2012, I came in contact with the eldest of my cousins. We had lost contact with him 30 years ago due to a lot of things that happened in our family. But it was definitely the best day to know that the kids who always existed in talks were real. Growing up, I and my cousins made a pact that we will find them when we are much more elder but we never had to do that.

It was also the year I officially started a blog and although I am not consistent at all. I will try my level best to be so. I am not sure of anything in my life at all. And I am confused as hell on so many different things that are life changing and important. But I became sure of one thing. And that was that I can put my thoughts into my words. And that is my strength. No one can take that away from me.  It is one of those things that is just mine. 

The biggest shock that I got was when I was told that Muteeba aka my best friend who I consider as a sister, is going to Pakistan forever to continue her studies. No comments on how I felt. Because it was downright the most unbelievable thing I had heard. But it did happen.  The next shock that I got was when she came back because of our stupid education system. Thank you, education system. But I got to have one more year with her. What could be more awesome than that ?

I lost a lot of battles this year but won a lot of them too. I experienced things I hadn't before and realised that things happen in a different manner than I thought as well. I also made new friends and thankfully didn't lose any old ones.

Honestly, my life is filled with so much drama and things happening all the time that I cannot remember half of the things that have happened this year. One back draw of this year was that I could not finish my challenge of reading hundred books because I fell into a phase where I think, social media engulfed me and I abandoned my poor books. But no problem, I am back on track and they will get full attention. I read 78 books. Not good at all.

The coming year is very important and crucial for me. Because this year is going to decide what my future will get to be like. Where I will stand ten years from now. I will be starting a whole new chapter of my life and this year is all going to be about that. Whatever happens in this year, I hope it happens for a good reason and happens in the best of my interests. I do not know whether next year I will still be able to say that 2013 was an awesome year. But  I hope that I do get to say it and mean it too. 

P.S. I apologize for being such a lazy ass and uploading this after 16 days of New Years start. 

...SAP...

Think Before You Speak

Words. They are one of those things that needs to be taken care of. And needs to be used very carefully. Action does not hurts as much as words do. You hit someone, they hit you back. End of story. But sometimes a single word can destroy you. It can cause you more pain than a tumor or a heart attack.  So when people say think before you speak. They are right. It is the best advice ever. But very hard to follow. Because at time we say things we don't mean. Or things just slip our tongues. As much as we would like to take it all back, the damage has already been done.

I have always gotten in trouble due to my tongue and the fact that I never think before saying anything. Whether it is school or friends, I have damaged a lot of things because of these same words. But I think that I do try to make amends and I have learnt that is better to evaluate what you are going to say before then listen to ten hours of a lecture and then spend ten more hours to make up with a friend. Because I say things I don't mean and the other person does not know that. So they end up assuming things that I never meant and thinking of it very seriously whereas I would not have given it a second thought.

Like Napoleon said;

"Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another."

 Just remember, once words have left your tongue, they cannot be taken back. It is said that two things cannot be taken back. One is words when they leave the tongue of a person and the other is arrow when it leaves a bow.

You see like an arrow, it will take you just a minute to target and shoot but the wound created by it will take weeks or days depending on where and how hard it hit. Saying things is very easy but the mess created by it is very hard to clean. And sometimes it just cannot be cleaned.

My mother always says that a person looks best till he or she speaks. After that, either they will continue looking best or will look their worst. So how you speak and what you speak is what defines who you are. It makes up your personality and whatever you say will tell the other person what you are made up of. Judgement is based on the way people speak. Its like if someone has an accent, you know whether they are from a town or a village. Similarly, what you speak will tell the other person whether you belong to a good family or not.

At the end of the day, words matter a lot. How they should be spoken, when they should be spoken and what should be spoken. Think before you speak because it comes down to this.

...SAP...