I Am Thankful

What is it that makes us thankful ?

My dad always says that its that time when someone whacks you in the kneecaps with a hammer, and you are forced to fall down on your knees, that is when you see your feet in shoes. And you see the pavement underneath it. You don't think about the workers who put that pavement together in scorching heat with bruised hands.

Living in Jeddah, we all had our own rooms which we decorated according to our taste which meant having bicycles in the bedroom.

I never realised the luxury of it till we moved to Qatar and I had to share a room with brothers. Those were the times when I wanted to study, they wanted to sleep. I wanted to talk on the phone, they wanted to watch a movie.

Its the sound of that Aayyat, in your head that gives you goosebumps, while you shiver with the thought of all the blessings that are laid upon our feet.

And which of your Lord's bounties will you deny ? Surah Rahman (55, 13)

It gets me every time. Not just once or twice, but every time I hear it. And you start looking at the little things in life. Like the fact that you can buy a phone without giving it a second thought. Instead of choosing between paying the house rent or getting food in tiny hungry bellies, we get to choose between rows upon rows of shoes.

So I thought that I need to reflect on how the year has gone by and make a list of things that I am not only grateful for but also thankful.

1. I am thankful to be a Muslim and to be born in a Muslim family.
2. I am thankful for good health, good families and good food. More importantly the food.
3. I am thankful to have an incredible guy in my life whose contentment makes me envy him.
4. I am thankful for the chance to be my own person and to do what I want.
5. I am thankful that I got to travel a lot this year.
6. I am thankful for wearing Black on my wedding day and doing everything the way I wanted.
7. I am thankful for amazing friends in my life who I can never replace.
8. I am thankful to be the only girl in the family.
9. I am thankful to have, not just one but two bedrooms.
10. I am thankful for a wardrobe full of clothes, shoes, bags and rubbish I don't really need.
11. I am thankful for the increase in my pocket money. I mean, who does not ?

In short, I am grateful that I have had the life I did. Not many people are that fortunate.

And I am thankful for that.

...SAP...

I Lost Faith

Faith.

Merriam Webster defines it as a strong belief or trust in someone or something.

For me it is riding with your brother despite the countless car accidents, he has been involved in. Or eating pasta on someone else's reference. It is when you buy a pair of jeans without trying it on, trusting that the size will fit you. It is telling someone a secret and believing that they will keep it.

It does not matter whether you end up in a car accident once again. Or the pasta gives you food poisoning. Or there is no refund/exchange on the jeans that don't fit you. Or that by the end of the day, the whole school knows that your family is broke.

What matters is that you believed in something. You had complete and utter faith.

Sometimes in yourself, sometimes in the other person.

I trust too easily.

I take that as a strength but it does not always play out like that. But when they say that there is no shortage of faith here.

They are right.

That changed last year.

I lost faith. In myself. In the people around me. In things. In destiny. In everything. It was like achieving complete oblivion.

It was like losing something I never realized I had in the first place.

Somehow I stopped believing that Allah has the best of plans in store for us.

But now I have found myself drinking Grape fruit juice on my aunt's recommendation. I can see all the plans folding out for me. And I can believe in them.

Sometimes you just need to close your eyes, let go of everything and have faith.

If not in yourself, than your family, if not that, than your friends, if not even that, than at least God.

.........

Let's Jump On The Bed

Today, I will not torture you with my whining. Instead let us get on our bed, jump as high as you can and shout, "I win". I freaking win, life. In case your bed breaks or you go back to sleep like I did, its fine. Its a sign of happiness.

I woke up to a message by my very best friend telling me that she got admission in the university she wanted. I know that sounded really simple but its not if you happen to be a Pakistani and study abroad in a Pakistani school following the Federal Board. Sounds simple. But no. If you are from Karachi, you have to have done your schooling from the Sindh Board to get in some of the universities. Point is, every university has their own weird rules that leaves you in tears at the end of the day.

My friend had to come back last year because of such regulations and the whole year was spent in studying, avoiding activities that she loved. Meanwhile saying to me, Sumaica, there is no way I can get in. People don't get in on merit bases. Its all about bribes and power. Me being the stupid optimist I am, kept saying, M, you will get in. You have to get in. Hard work does not go to waste. Allah will do the best for you.

After saying goodbye to her in June, came the late night chatting and calling that involved me paying the phone bill. I could feel the torture she was going through. I would have ran away and said, no thank you. Take this freaking education system and go to hell. But she did not. She studied. And did God knows what. That idiot gave admission tests knowing she isn't eligible for that college.

Now comes the victory part. She has gotten into every university she has applied to so far. Mashallah ! And I was like, M, what did I say ? Now I await her arrival so I can bake a triple layered Hunger Games chocolate cake and celebrate the biggest victory of this year. So right now I am listening to some song "Chingam Chabake" and dancing on my bed.

Sometimes when times are hard, we tend to believe that nothing good can ever come out of the hard work that we do. But then like planting your country's flag on a mountain's top comes that sweet little victory. And it makes everything worth it.  

...SAP...

Allah Knows Best

We were reading Ghalib the other day in school. And according to him, death is the solution to all our sorrows, pain, troubles and problems. He says that all our life we are bound in this cycle of tension and worries. We start from worrying about small things like riding a bicycle, go on to worry about our studies and future, after studies we are afraid of our jobs, after jobs comes marriage, then we have kids, their worries occupy us, then they grow up, get married and so on. The cycle goes on. And you keep on worrying, not stopping for a second. Every day grief grips you tightly with its strong claws and you are not able to free yourself despite trying. The only solution is death. death is what frees you from all your pain. The hold of grief weakens when you die. And you are let go. Every pain that you have lived in your life, whether it is of love, hatred, friendship, family, relative, school, studies, future, teenage, youth, adulthood, etc. Your life ends and you are finally free of everything.

For the first two minutes I was agreeing with him. Then it hits me. He is wrong. Very wrong, indeed. Our lives do not end after our death. In reality that is when they start. We enter in another lifetime, where we are answerable to every single deed we have ever done. Death is not an escape. It is not a gate to freedom. It is just a passage from one life to another. We have to answer to our Creator. Our Sustain-er. Whatever we do in this life will have its consequences there. We will have to answer what we did with our live. How we lived. Our real life starts after death. Life is like our course book which we have to learn by heart. And death is the car which is taking you to your examination center. Then comes the exam. It will be the exam of our lives.

He knows. Every shard of glass that went inside you, pierced your insides and you felt like you will never be the same again, He knows. For He never lets anyone go through what they cannot handle. He had a reason. Whatever happened, happened for a reason. Allah knows. And Allah cares. It was for your benefit. Like the time when you got less marks in your exam, it was because He wanted you to study Psychology instead of Physiology and help that kid across the street. When you did not get the new clothes, He was saving the money for your Dads surgery. When you did not get admission in the college you wanted, He wanted you to study at Oxford. When you had to move across the continents, He wanted you to know what great friendship is. So the next time you feel like hitting your head with the walls and think that the world you knew has vanished. That the only way to get rid of everything is to die. Do know that it is NOT. Allah knew that you will be able to handle it, that is why you went through what you did.

Allah says:

 "and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know." (Qur'an Surah Baqarah 2:216)

...SAP...