I Am Free

Right now I am sitting on the Rust coloured, disgusting looking but very comfortable couch, wrapped in Muaaz's fluffy blanket, typing away with Royal Blue nail polish on my hands, without a care in the world.

Its 5:15 am now and my alarm for Fajr prayer just went off. I dismissed it.

That is what I do. I come here, turn off all the alarms on my phone, with that I turn off the monotonous boring judging routine as well. My 'not a care in the world' switch is turned on automatically.

I leave all of my worries at the door which has the "Pirachas" sign hanging loop sided above it.

I need this. After a hectic week or two, I need to come back to this house, see my life over here and know that this still exists. The 'Live In The Moment" sign, Eiffel Tower and the colourful bed spreads are all reminders of me still being a 19 year old with a huge reading list, a small pocket and a lot of crap. I instantly become the Sumaica who says whatever comes in her mouth and tells her mother to stop taking everything to the heart.

In that house, I am the grown up version of myself. The version that got married, started living in a real bedroom with colour co-ordinated furniture, walls, curtains etc and has had to listen to more drama.

I am a free bird over here, where my mind actually works at 6 in the morning and I start writing. I dream, make plans, think of the future, hope for higher things and be happy in what I have.

The other me is just too busy dealing with everything else that at the end of the day, when she comes to bed, all she thinks about is if something that she did or said will go south the next day.

I take off the embroidered Bareeze suits, gold sets etc, put on my smiley pajama pants, double layer the t shirts, put my books in the bag, grab my laptop and I am out of the door to be my free self. My mom was not home today but I still came because I needed to lie on this crappy sofa, have a terrible back ache, eat a load of smoothie turned ice cream and let go of everything of the past week.

When you get married, there are these invisible shackles that bound you to a typical lifestyle which you have to accept. You may not see the binding but trust me its there. You start taking into account the things that are not even present. You have to think ten steps ahead.

Its not about you.

In my case, its about my parents.

And the wonderful guy in my life.

...SAP...

How Does This World Work ?

I have my own bank account.

Every time I say these words, there is this shock that comes with it.

How ?

I still cannot believe that.

I know that today, its very normal to have a bank account. Every kid on the street probably has a credit card.

But for me its not a small thing. I mean, I am 19 and I have my own account with my own money in it. When did that happen ? When did I become capable of doing that ?

There are people in this world, who live there entire lives working hard to get certain things. And I have all those things without even lifting my finger. And I am only 19.

It makes me wonder how this world works.

For me bank accounts portray first jobs, first hard earned money that you slaved for all your life. You started with nursery, went on to primary school and somehow ended up in an office after submitting dozens of CV's, giving interviews, feeling like a complete loser despite having a legit degree. That is what an account is worth to me. It signifies achievements and that sweat your poured into whatever you did to have those few notes transacted in your account.

So it feels weird to me. It feels surreal. Because I am getting all this without working for it. Unless you count surviving a marriage.

Than hell yeah, I deserve this.

I do not count that. So lets just leave it at that.

The thing I am most excited about is seeing my name on that piece of magical card which brings money to you.

Or not, if your account is empty. Which mine is going to be pretty soon.

I am actually going to challenge myself to see how many months I can survive before my bank balance goes zero.

...SAP...

Responsibility, Price of Freedom

My dad is a very wise man. The kind who will advise you not to drink iced water when you already have a cold and than threatens you by saying, I will not take you to the doctor if you get sick. And yes, we throw it in the sink because lets be honest who wants to have a red blotchy nose and carry a tissue box around.

I say that with utmost pride and respect. But that pride kind of diminishes when he forces the monthly kitchen expenses in your hands. So for this month, my dad had this brilliant idea of handing me the money for our food just so that he can teach us about controlling our expenses and being a little more responsible when it comes to money.

When I first heard that, I was excited. Because that meant, keeping all the money left behind. Now here comes the reality check. Firstly, we are Pakistani which means that when it comes to food, we do not kid around. People have thermals to keep them warm in winter and shorts to keep cool in summers, we have food to survive all year around. Food is sacred.

This basically means that when you are forced to grocery shop, you get all the things you like. I start from the Brownie Cookies, move on to popcorn, chips, noodles, wedges, three different kinds of coffee, two different kinds of Nimko, Chocolate Croissants and two kinds of ice creams. Ofcourse, I do not even glance at the price tags let alone keep in mind the total price of all the junk food I am putting in the trolley. Because dad is paying. Tada !

However, today was such a different scenario. I specifically went to get all my type of food to stock up for the upcoming four holidays we will be getting because of Qatar National Day. I don't know why I am excited, its not like I am in school anymore. Anyway, I gave the serious list to dad so he can buy the things Amma said to buy. I was roaming through the aisles, checking out the new flavours of Peri Peri Sauce and for the first time I saw myself contemplating buying things. And was stuck deciding between two packets of popcorn or two packets of noodles. And the only reason was the money in my yellow wallet which I miraculously have to make last for the rest of the month.

Life is very easy when someone else pays for you. Whether it is socks or a Blackberry Q10. But the minute that money comes in your hands, its not just 4000 QR that you have to spend on food. Its somebody's or your own hard work staring right back at you. Its the responsibility to make sure that you don't waste that money. That at the end of the day, you have 100 QR in your pocket instead of borrowing it from a friend. And that responsibility, my friend, is the biggest buzz killer there ever is.

Like Elbert Hubbard said:

"Responsibility is the price of freedom."

Adieu !
S

P.S. If by any chance you are wondering than, yes, I did buy 70 percent of the junk that I went for. Its still my dads money right now. ;)
P.P.S Abbu, I love you but please, I beg you  to torture someone else with this new technique of yours. I have had my share.

Let's Jump On The Bed

Today, I will not torture you with my whining. Instead let us get on our bed, jump as high as you can and shout, "I win". I freaking win, life. In case your bed breaks or you go back to sleep like I did, its fine. Its a sign of happiness.

I woke up to a message by my very best friend telling me that she got admission in the university she wanted. I know that sounded really simple but its not if you happen to be a Pakistani and study abroad in a Pakistani school following the Federal Board. Sounds simple. But no. If you are from Karachi, you have to have done your schooling from the Sindh Board to get in some of the universities. Point is, every university has their own weird rules that leaves you in tears at the end of the day.

My friend had to come back last year because of such regulations and the whole year was spent in studying, avoiding activities that she loved. Meanwhile saying to me, Sumaica, there is no way I can get in. People don't get in on merit bases. Its all about bribes and power. Me being the stupid optimist I am, kept saying, M, you will get in. You have to get in. Hard work does not go to waste. Allah will do the best for you.

After saying goodbye to her in June, came the late night chatting and calling that involved me paying the phone bill. I could feel the torture she was going through. I would have ran away and said, no thank you. Take this freaking education system and go to hell. But she did not. She studied. And did God knows what. That idiot gave admission tests knowing she isn't eligible for that college.

Now comes the victory part. She has gotten into every university she has applied to so far. Mashallah ! And I was like, M, what did I say ? Now I await her arrival so I can bake a triple layered Hunger Games chocolate cake and celebrate the biggest victory of this year. So right now I am listening to some song "Chingam Chabake" and dancing on my bed.

Sometimes when times are hard, we tend to believe that nothing good can ever come out of the hard work that we do. But then like planting your country's flag on a mountain's top comes that sweet little victory. And it makes everything worth it.  

...SAP...

Dream It. Believe It. Achieve It

Why do we dream ? Our dreams are things that we would want to do in our life. Things that we secretly want or the life that we imagine ourselves in. Things we would like to become. Things we would like to have. But if we don't get it because you do not get everything. What happens then ? Your own dreams become your worst nightmare and you wish that you would never have dreamt.

People say that nightmares are the one that are fearful but dreams should be feared more. Because if what you dream, you don't achieve it, you are broken in pieces and that is the worst kind of fear anyone can imagine. Nightmares are horrible thoughts and things that you see just like an enemy that you know is not good for you but dreams are like double faced friends. You think that they are your best friends when at the end of they day, they stab you in the back.

When you dream, it is like you are creating a very high building. A skyscraper. And when reality hits you, that building comes down crumbling and no amount of hard work can save it. Because dreaming is not hard work. It is more like the shortcut of just wanting things, not going after them. Because people who want things, go after them.

Maybe that is enough reason for us to live in reality. I remember once someone said to me that you should even dream by first looking at what you can dream. What the hell ? Right ? I mean, now even dreams have prices. It is true that you dream when you know that you can get them. Reality is cut throat but it keeps you on the earth and does not let you fly to the seventh sky. So if you ever by mistake fall down, you will not get bruised badly.

There is a dreamer and then there is a realist.

But then if we do not dream then how are we suppose to live ? Because dreams are your beliefs as well. So if you do not dream, it is like not believing. It is as if you are hopeless, that you have given up before even trying. How can you be so sure that you will not achieve it ? How do you know that you cannot do it ? Have you seen the future ? Do you not believe in the person who created you ? Believe in Allah. In life things tend to workout from the least expected ways possible. Ways you had never imagined. When thousands of doors close on you, another opens up.

I think today I can say that yes, it is okay to dream. Dream it. Believe it. Achieve it. Your determination and your belief in them will get you to your dreams. So one day, you will wake up and will be where you always wanted to be. Your bubble will not burst. And then all that remains are the times when you did not believe in yourself and all the obstacles that came your way.

Have the courage to go after what you dream. Change the reality of your life by going for your dreams. Instead of living the reality, change it. Because it is better to live with the fact that you went after your dreams then to live with regrets of not dreaming. 

Like Henry David Thoreau said:

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours. "

Dream like a king. Work like a donkey. Believe like a crazy person. And one day the world will be yours.

...SAP...