I Am Free

Right now I am sitting on the Rust coloured, disgusting looking but very comfortable couch, wrapped in Muaaz's fluffy blanket, typing away with Royal Blue nail polish on my hands, without a care in the world.

Its 5:15 am now and my alarm for Fajr prayer just went off. I dismissed it.

That is what I do. I come here, turn off all the alarms on my phone, with that I turn off the monotonous boring judging routine as well. My 'not a care in the world' switch is turned on automatically.

I leave all of my worries at the door which has the "Pirachas" sign hanging loop sided above it.

I need this. After a hectic week or two, I need to come back to this house, see my life over here and know that this still exists. The 'Live In The Moment" sign, Eiffel Tower and the colourful bed spreads are all reminders of me still being a 19 year old with a huge reading list, a small pocket and a lot of crap. I instantly become the Sumaica who says whatever comes in her mouth and tells her mother to stop taking everything to the heart.

In that house, I am the grown up version of myself. The version that got married, started living in a real bedroom with colour co-ordinated furniture, walls, curtains etc and has had to listen to more drama.

I am a free bird over here, where my mind actually works at 6 in the morning and I start writing. I dream, make plans, think of the future, hope for higher things and be happy in what I have.

The other me is just too busy dealing with everything else that at the end of the day, when she comes to bed, all she thinks about is if something that she did or said will go south the next day.

I take off the embroidered Bareeze suits, gold sets etc, put on my smiley pajama pants, double layer the t shirts, put my books in the bag, grab my laptop and I am out of the door to be my free self. My mom was not home today but I still came because I needed to lie on this crappy sofa, have a terrible back ache, eat a load of smoothie turned ice cream and let go of everything of the past week.

When you get married, there are these invisible shackles that bound you to a typical lifestyle which you have to accept. You may not see the binding but trust me its there. You start taking into account the things that are not even present. You have to think ten steps ahead.

Its not about you.

In my case, its about my parents.

And the wonderful guy in my life.

...SAP...

I Can Finally Drive

Even before I turned 16, I wanted to go to USA. Because you could get your drivers license at 16. That was the utmost teenager dream of mine. I had it all planned out. I would get an International Drivers License and hopefully, I could drive in Qatar at 16, as well.

My dear dad was kind enough to hand me the keys and show me the place behind the steering wheel at 11 years. I used to drive alongside the beach right up the Saudi border because we used to visit it every month to get our Visit Visa renewed.

As I grew up, I got busy in other things and driving was pushed to the back of my mind. 

But as 20 May 2013 came nearer, my excitement grew. Because I would finally turn 18. The sacred moment I had waited for all these years. 

Imagine me, driving Corniche road, looking hip in Mint Ray-Bans and the stereo cracked up to my "at the moment obsessed song".

And than crashing the car. 

I turned 18 and because exams were going on, decided to wait for the license. But than, came a string of occasions or reasons that I refrained from getting the license. I kept putting it off.

That burning desire was gone. 

It happens. When you want something very badly and somehow you have to wait for it, the desire just goes away. When you finally get it, its not the same. 

You are not the same. 

Since last week, I had been gathering up documents and getting information from Driving Schools to finally get my Drivers License. But I could not feel that 15 year old me wanting to go to USA vibe anymore.

It was a fine moment. Not an UH-MAZING moment.

But today, I entered the Driving School to finally get my Admittance Card and get everything finalised. All of a sudden, I was that 15 year old Sumaica again. 

It hit me. I am getting my Drivers License. I can finally drive a car. I can stop throwing water on my brother or begging different people to drive me around.

And best of all, I get to listen to whatever I want. There is no one to change the sound track.

...SAP...

To Win, Be Willing To Lose

This year, because it was my senior year, everyone was looking into colleges and making final decisions about their studies. But what was shocking was the fact that so many of my classmates were not willing to try out.  They knew what they wanted, but they were not willing to work for it. They were fixated that they will not get in the college they want because they are not good enough. Or because the competition is very tough. And that really pissed me off. One of my own best friends was afraid that she might not be able to handle the responsibility of becoming a Doctor. I think, being a human being is the biggest responsibility. Because life itself is a competition. Its the biggest race there ever is.

I was watching a movie, involving a figure skater and her life and one of the characters says, "To win, you have to be willing to lose." What makes a winner, a winner is losing the first 100 times. Losing does not mean giving up. It just means working harder. For me, in order to win, whether it is Olympic Gymnastics or a History test, you have to be willing to try your best. Work your butt off, wake up when its still dark and work on your piques or learn the French proverbs. You have to be willing to push yourself, to let yourself go out there. And you have to be willing to face your fears and failures. . 

I remember when I was doing five sports at once in 5th grade. There were before school practices, after school practices and weekend practices. I used to eat on the way. And then I wanted to do Skipping as well. It was something I had never done before and a friend of mine was excellent at it. The first time I did skipping, I did 25 turns. Then I started working on it and in the competition, came second and I did 250 turns. I nailed it. That rush of adrenaline pumping through my body, my face all flushed and my coach telling me to go change for the next sport, it was surreal. 

My mom always says that you do not get anything handed to you on a silver platter. Figure skaters, gymnasts, swimmers, etc turn their whole lives around just to get a single gold medal. For them normal is not a word. A Gymnast lands on her butt 100 times a day, yet she still gets up and then nails her routine. They do all that just to stand on that podium, wear that Gold Medal and be called an Olympian. I used to see Gymnastics with  my Nano and I always wondered how beautiful, bold, graceful and enchanting they look. But none of us get to see the purple bruises all over their bodies, some brand new, some days old, bags under their eyes and hands hard as a rock. Those injuries are what make them capable of winning. 

Like Iqbal said, 

"Tu shaheen hai Parwaaz hai kaam tera  

Tere samne Aasman aur bhi hai"

Work for it. Work till you fall. Pick yourself up. Fall again. And then again and again. Than pick yourself up again. And keep picking yourself up till you forget what falling is. Work for it, till every bone in your body wants what your heart desires. Till every damn muscle aches and all the ice packs in the world cannot make that pain disappear. This is your fight, only and only yours. With your demons of fears and failures. And only you can defeat those demons. 

...SAP...