Nothing Else Matters

My father opened his eyes today, after being kept on sedatives for 22 days. I don't know where to start from. I walked in and his eyes were open, darting left and right, trying to recognize us. But I could see that he was in pain. A lot of pain. Pain that I wish I could help him carry. Unfortunately I like many others am helpless. 

How do you do it ? How do you watch your father in agonizing pain and just stand there ? You can feel the ground beneath you, its still there, firm and standing proud. 

I have spent the last 22 days, in and out of the hospital, dealing with hundreds of people, talking and updating his friends, family, strangers from all around the world, standing beside my mom, talking to the doctors and just living. I did not even have time to think about what had happen. I was just going on with my life, trying to get everything done. 

My father has gone through 6 major and four minor surgeries up till now and he still needs more surgery. He was being kept on ventilator and sedatives. 

Its not that I love my father. We all do. Its that I need him in my life. I am that spoiled papa's princess whose every wish is granted before she even utters it. I have had that life. He has given me that life. Being the only daughter, I have taken full advantage of that and he has let me take it. 

During this whole time, I had full faith in Allah. I told my mom that we need to do it. We need to pray as hard as we can. We need that conviction that he will be alright because his health is in Allah's hands. Doctors can do their best but to do everything right is only in His hand. 

I hope that no one ever has to see their fathers like that. Because it hurts too much. You stand there, looking at them, knowing that you cannot help them despite being desperate to do so. You wish that you were a better person, a better Muslim so your prayers had more conviction, more power. Or you were a doctor, so you had the knowledge to do something. Just something. 

We are nothing, We can do nothing. We just watch while the world slips by in its own pace and time. All this money, clothes, restaurants, movies, diamonds etc does not matter when someone you love is in the OR under those big lights. 

Because believe me, money does not buy health. It buys doctors but health, not really. 

He was responding today, trying to speak but because of a pipe for oxygen in his throat, he couldn't. But he was awake. He was awake and doing okay. 

I am so grateful that I cannot even express it. Sometimes Allah grants you a gift. Because He is Merciful. 

Trust me, nothing in life matters except the ones you love. Except the ones who love you. Except the ones who stand by you. Except the ones who cherish you. Except the ones who are your blood. 

....................

Letters To The Moon # 7

Dear Moon,

Apparently, not knowing whether your husband is wearing the new shoes or not is also a crime in the married world.

I need some answers from these so called Desi mothers of ours. Why the hell do you bring up your kids so dependent on you ? They are independent enough to study in international universities, go to work at world renown companies but are not able to match their ties with shirts. How ? And why ? How is it a wife's responsibility to pick up his clothes off the floor ? Or call him every two hours to ask if he had breakfast, lunch etc ? Is he not sane enough to go and eat by himself ? or is he incapable of doing that ?

Please let your kids grow up. Let them do things on their own. Stop doing things for them. You are just creating problems. Nothing else.

You are just creating a grown up child who still wants his mommy at every step of the way. If you want to do that, do it by all means. Do not marry them then. Girls are not lying around waiting to care whether your son has new shoes on or not. Nor are they in a line to get ready every day for your son.

We have lives of our own. Lives we would like to live. We have personalities, habits, hobbies. Our lives are not because of your sons. We are made to parade around them like some sort of peacocks. We have to make sure that we love what they love. And eat what they eat. If they like chocolate and heaven forbids, we don't, that should be declared a crime, punishable by 5 years in jail.

In life, there comes a time, when you have to let go of your kids. If you try to hold onto them, tying the strings tighter, knot after knot, eventually they will break off these ties and go their way. You will be left behind wondering what you did wrong. On the other hand, letting them live their lives will mean that they include you in it as well. They give you the place and love you want and deserve.

Let that love be from the heart. Let it be pure.

Don't try to force something that can never be forced upon.

Yours always,

S

P.S. One day, I will actually say it to people's faces, till then let us just be content with this.

Letters To The Moon # 6

Dear Moon,

Its hard when you are caught in between things. You are in the middle of one of those suspended rope bridges on top of a river, seen on TV which everyone wants to cross, but it turns out that you are stuck. You cannot go forward because what awaits you is more horrifying than the rope under your feet. And you certainly cannot go back. So you stand their, holding onto the side of the bridge with all the strength that you can muster, hoping and praying that the bridge stays secure. And some miracle occurs.

I am caught in between life. I do one thing and the other suffers. And this between, its not a happy place. It is more of a temporary one.

Today, I realised something. That I do not need to be afraid. My biggest strength is standing right in front of me and I was oblivious to it all this time. I do not have to carry all that baggage with me. I do not have to be the bad person by talking back or talking about anything that I want.

All I have to do is be strong. Work hard and hold my ground on the things I love and the things I want to do.

Things are very simple. Its me who makes them complicated thinking about the consequences.

Here is the reality. I am not answerable to anyone. I am an adult. Okay, if you want to take it this way then the only person I need to consult in my decisions is my husband. And lets be honest, he is rarely going to have a problem with what I do with my life. If he is with me, the rest can go to an abandoned parking lot. I do not give a shit.

I am out of my parents jurisdiction. I am my own person now. So I should stop taking crap from all the other people in my life. And start paying attention. Thing is that no one will have a right to say anything if he is with me. So why the hell have I started caring so bloody much about it all ?

Why have I become such a tension freak ? Not every tiny detail is my fault. And I should stop taking it as that.

Yours always,

S

P.S. This is the moment where Abdullah realizes that he is screwed. But I am glad that I married the right person.

Letters To The Husband # 2

Dear Abdullah,

The reason I started these letters was because I like to say thing, explain my thoughts, put them in words or write them down, I like expressing my views. But here is the problem, you don't like listening to me saying the same thing in ten ways for 15 minutes. I like saying everything that is on my mind, even if my theory has ten aspects and you understand it in the first two minutes. My mind needs to hear them out loud, for me to think it over and save it. So I thought, I will just write to you because you do read my blog.

You are a very content man and I love that quality about you. But being content stops you from aspiring for better things in life. It stops you from thinking ahead and you end up exactly where you were ten years ago. Living in the present is amazing but at the same time, we need to at least think about where we want our life to lead. We don't have any control over what happens but we owe it to ourselves to at least try.

Something that my friend's dad once said (which has stayed with me all this time), that I want the quality of my life to be good. When I work hard and get paid more, I am not going to put it all into savings for my retirement, first and foremost I will increase the quality of my life.

Don't get me wrong. I don't envy people who have the luxury to shop in Louise Vuitton or Gucci all day. Or take endless vacations to exotic places. Neither am I ungrateful for everything I have. Because I know that I live better than 90 % of the population in this world. And I probably don't deserve all that.

But I do like to aspire and work for better things in life. Whether that is the opportunity to travel more. Or buying more books. I like the idea of standing in my own apartment, a car parked underneath, studying further, a job that I love and all that being the result of our hard work. I say our, and I mean our. I do not mean YOURS or MINE. I know that a lot of the time, the things I say are either yours or mine. But this is OURS. I want us to have two separate lives intertwined with each others. The freedom to do what we want, at the same time be willing to compromise on certain things. But all that being OUR decision., not yours or mine or anyone else's.

I strayed from my point again. SORRY !

Khair, my point is that while we are very lucky and fortunate to live the way we do. But it's not all I want. It's not all what you should want.

Lately, I have seen you talking about what you want to do in the future. And here is what I think. I think you should do it. You know what we were talking about the other day and I kept interrupting you, telling my ideas. Let's do it. Right now. Right here. At this point in our lives.

If there is one thing I have learnt, it is that there is no time like the present to try.

Let's do something that you love and I have no interest in. But I am willing to try.

Yours,

SAP 

Letters To The Husband # 2

Abdullah, (You do not deserve to be called dear today)

OMG ! You said something so insensitive that for two whole seconds I kept looking at you with zero facial expressions. Here is the reason, because I did not know how to react.

You ask what you did ? Good question. Here is a recap. Remember, when you asked me very politely why I cannot eat a small scoop of ice cream ? Why was it that my ice cream quantity had to be at least big enough for four people ?

I mean, how can you even ask that ? Who asks that ? Its ice cream. Its the number one rule of eating ice cream. You do not just get a single short teeny tiny scoop. That is like staring at it with puppy dog eyes. I have NEVER eaten a small scoop. I did not even know that they existed until I married you. You, my friend are a shame to the world of ice cream.

I do not remember even Moawiz ordering a small scoop for himself, even when he was four. That kids has better taste than you.

Here is the funny part. So today, after your stupid question, I ordered two small scoops, one Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough and the other Mint Chocolate Chip. I was done before we even arrived home and it takes us like five minutes to get home. Ice cream should not disappear in five minutes. I seriously thought that someone had robbed me when I was eating it. Because it was like I had not even started that it finished.

This was a huge mistake on my point. Needless to say, that is not happening again.

Remember how we talked about my daily need of ice cream and you ooh so high and mightily pointed out that paying 18 riyals daily for ice cream was a little too much. I resorted to eating McDonalds ice cream. (Thank you McDonalds for keeping people like me alive and sane )

You need to remember this generosity of mine. Let's be honest dude. If a time ever came that I have to choose between you and ice cream, you know what my choice will be.

My point is, the next time you make such an outrageous comment on my perfectly healthy and awesome lifestyle choices, please decide whether you want to live with me peacefully or just live with me. The choice is yours. ;)

Ice cream's truly,

S

.......

A Miss Of Expat Life

Dij : "F just got engaged. "

Me: " Whatttt ??? That's huge and awesome. What did she wear ? What did you wear ? Where did it happen ? I need all the details ASAP. "

I am typing this while reaching for the laptop and logging on to Facebook, still in my Abaya, just to see if she has uploaded any pictures, to see what she wore to the big day, how her fiance looked, what the ring was like, what my friend wore, every tiny detail of the function. I checked my Instagram after that to see more of her pictures and comment my happiness on them.

When you have friends in different countries, at first its very exciting. But it becomes boring and lonely pretty soon. Here is the hard part, you miss your friends graduation, their birthday, then their engagements and weddings. The first time it happens, it hurts a lot. Because at the end of the day, there is not much you can do.

I remember, back in the day, when we moved from KSA, I never felt this because I was visiting Jeddah every two months due to several reasons. We did that for almost two years. And I was much younger at the time. So getting a phone call from a friend, in another country, on your birthday was a huge deal for me. We all made an effort to wish each other, post presents and still be the same way. But it did not work like that. Phone calls were missed, numbers miss placed or changed, presents lost in the mail and distance just created these invisible barriers between us.

When you are younger, you do not make that much of an effort to keep in touch with someone who is not in a hundred km radius. Its just the way it is.

But as you grow older, you meet other people, the ones you leave behind start coming back to you and you start keeping tabs on them. Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Skype, Viber etc have made this much easier than it was in the days of MSN emails, texts and actual phone calls.

I remember looking at my best friend's (at the time) pictures from a birthday party, every single person I knew, people I even hated were there, except me. Hands in hands, or on shoulders, drinks in huge glasses, some of my friends trying to sit down, some bending to get in focus, smiling at the camera, that picture came out perfect. But I was not in it. That picture was still complete. Like I never existed. I hated being an expat at that moment.

I am extremely lucky that people message me to tell the important happenings in their life or their sibling's life, or friends who get worried if I don't reply, who don't say anything if I forget their birthday or graduation. because they know that as long distance friends, we are past all that.

Its a hit and miss. Sometimes your wishes will reach them on time. Sometime they won't. But the thing is, your wishes mean that much more to the other person. Because they know how busy you are in your life. Taking time out of it to simply message them, congratulating on their special occasions becomes a big deal.

...SAP...