Letter To The Husband # 1

Dear Abdullah,

First of all I sincerely apologise for what I am about to do. But I am going to do it anyway, that is write about you. Because I want to and this is a free world.

I love writing letters and doing sentimental things like that. But you do not even try to like that. I thought why not write a virtual one since you do read my blog.

I have realised that I do not appreciate you as much as I should. That is because I know that I am stuck with you for life, whether I like it or not. Like the fact that I hate your habit of throwing your clothes on the floor or never paying at a restaurant. Your wallet only materializes when we are at KFC, McDonalds, Shawarma place, Burger King, Baqala etc. Dude, be a man and learn to pay up.

The past year has been really weird for me because as much as the world and our society tried to change me, you did not try at all. And the ironic part is that I expected the total opposite. And while everyone else was busy telling me how to wear clothes or make a certain dish or go to someone's house, you were there telling me it was okay to be whoever I wanted. Or not do anything at all. I felt okay, like even if I stopped studying or did not cover myself in a layer of make up, I would still be okay.

I have learnt a lot about people, how they are, what they say and what they really mean. But in all that, I have seen you as well. And every time I look at you, my optimism soars, like a bird flying higher and higher. Because you are the most content man I know. You are happy and perfectly okay the way you are right at this second whereas the rest of us, want this, achieve that or travel there.

I remember telling you, more like babbling about what I wanted to do in life, the places I wanted to explore, people I wanted to meet, food to eat etc. And I asked you, what do you want ? And you said, "Me ??? Well, I have everything I ever wanted. Actually, more. I don't want anything else. I already have more than I deserve."

Let me just tell you that my eyes almost popped out. And I did not believe a letter of what you said that day. But as I started to live with you, I realised that you were not lying.

I am not saying that you are perfect because lets be honest, you are not. And there are a million things I don't like about you but this letter is not about that.

Its about appreciating you. acknowledging the fact that I do know about the good things in life.

I know that at times you have uncertainties about us. But let me tell you a secret, I think that as long you are you and I am me, we will be just fine.

Right now there are about fifteen trophies in our room and not a single one of them has been earned by either of us. And they are taunting me.

Can I drink coke in one of them ? Ooh, that would be so cool. I am doing that tomorrow.

I just wanted to let you know that I know what a good person you are. And I am glad that you are in my life. Because believe me when I say this, I would not be sitting right here if it was not for you.

Yours always,

S

P.S. I still hate you for bailing out on me, for getting Frozen Coke.
P.P.S. This was the good part. Eventually the bad ones will be out as well.
P.P.P.S. The only reason I am writing this is because at least you will READ what I WRITE this way.

Letters To The Moon # 5

Dear Moon,

Something really exciting and awesome is happening in my life right now. The bad things is that I cannot tell you about it. Not because I don't want to but because its the right thing at this moment. I have this tendency to announce anything good that comes my way, and then it disappears. People judge me and pass their opinions without knowing anything, end result is that I quit.

I do not want that this time. Because one, I am really happy doing what I am doing. Secondly, its exhausting but when I go to sleep at night, I am happy. Even if I have to sacrifice something to do it, I am still happy. Its what I have always wanted to do. Maybe not in this manner but life is not always 100 percent chocolate.

One thing I have gotten to know is that I work pretty well with deadlines. If I have to finish something by that time, I will do it. And its shocking. Because I do things and then I leave them in the middle of nowhere.

Yes, I abandon my vehicles. Reason 678 why I am still driving in the middle of the road. But I will get where I want.

I am pumped up. I can see a direction now. I can see this headed towards something. And that is a great thing for me. Because it has been hard adjusting to this life. I usually apply the formula of my way or highway.

I can feel that I am slowly coming back to who I was an year ago. And honestly, I want to rediscover that person again. Because let me tell you, I was bad ass. I was fearless. I need to stop making thorns into boulders.

It is a funny thing how you think that you can live your life for others, but when you are suppose to actually do it, you find out that you suck at it. I think that I can achieve the independence I have always wanted. And to be honest, I can see my goals near me, after a long long time.

Yours truly,

S

Letters To The Moon # 4

Dear Moon,

The past couple of days have been really weird. I have fallen into this pity party mode where all I do is think about my actions and feel sorry for myself.

Honestly, my life is pretty good right now. I do not have any major family drama going on. Everyone seems to be happy with how things are going. Except me. I don't know why. I cannot figure out my problem in all of this.

I guess its because I am home all the time. And that drives me nuts. I have tons of studying to do, blog posts to write, books to read, movies to watch but instead I just waste time doing nothing on the internet. I seriously need to know what is wrong with me.

Over the past few days, I have gotten to experience being the working class. And let me tell you that when they say, its not easy to earn. Its not. Anything you do to earn your way in this world, is hard work. You are extremely lucky if what you do is what you love. And I have been that lucky. I have gotten the chance to write and get paid for this. That is extremely gratifying.

I am not used to with things just falling in my lap. I have had to work for them, finding a way around things, avoiding the bumps in the road. Its not been very difficult but its certainly not been easy as well. So imagine my feelings when things just sort of fall into place like pieces of puzzle.

Life is weird that way. The things you lust after, remain out of reach. And when they are in your hands, you realize you were okay without it as well. And somethings just happen without you knowing how much you wanted it.

Thank you ! For making me realize that in a way, I am lucky. Because I get to just deal with this part of my life and move on. I don't have to anticipate anything, see my parents worried looks over me becoming over aged or over confident or whatever. I get to let go. And I get to do what I want. I get to fight for myself, for my independence. I simply get to move on.

I used to think about what things I will have to give up in order to be that perfect image of a "BAHU". Or someone's wife. Life has shown me that today, I get to be exactly who I want to be. No one has told me not to do something. Whether it is studying, reading books, writing or paying 150 riyals for a piece of cake. I get to enjoy that freedom.

Yours always,

S

This Society And Its Cruelness

There was a death in the city three days ago.

.

An aunty very dear to us, had the misfortune of losing her husband. He was in the hospital the past 1 and a half month, really sick, not being able to cope with pain but he was breathing, alive. 

I have seen that aunty go about her day, working selflessly for others. When she got married, her husband had a whole family to support, so she spend her years, cutting down her needs, educating and then marrying her husbands siblings. By that time, her own kids were grown up, so there studies became a priority. After that came marriages and finally after all these years, she was free. 

The time had come for her to sit back and relax. 

But destiny had something else in mind. 

Word gets around very fast. Its twisted like a piece of twine. Some of the things I heard were down right cruel. 

"See, his sons are Hafiz-e-Quran. But when I asked him to read Quran to his father, he put it on a mobile instead of reading it out loud himself."

"We went to their house to pay our respects and his daughters did not even come out of there rooms."

"I was sitting there for half an hour and I was not asked for water. Back home, we are served tea, samosas, biscuits etc."

"All of there kids are so rude. What was the use of their parents sacrificing so much for such selfish kids ?"

"At least my kids are not like this. If I die, they will arrange for catering and make sure no one goes hungry from our house."

"Ali Sahab and his wife were religious but their kids were not at all. They cared too much about worldly things."

"Parents need to focus more on their kids upbringing. Ali Sahab should have paid attention to his kids religious education."

"His eldest daughter was not even crying. Instead of tears dripping down her face, she was looking after her own daughter."

"Where was their daughter in law's family ? My neighbour's daughter told me that no one visited, from their family in these three days."

This is what is being talked about at a dead man's funeral.

Yes, they are praying for his forgiveness in the next world, for him to be awarded Jannah, reciting Quran and Darood Shareef for hours. But when they go back to their homes, this is what they talk about. Apparently, this was more important then that man's funeral.

So the next time, someone dies near to us. We need to forget our own grief and cater to the people around us. We need to make sure that they get tea, biscuits, eat Biryani, Qorma, Karahi and then Gajar ka Halwa for dessert. Then spread quilts filled with bird feathers, under them so they sit in the most comfortable way possible. We should assist them in every way so they go home and talk about some other nonsense.

You would expect that our society would leave you alone when a person you dearly loved, dies.

But no ! Not even death can put scotch tape on their mouths.

Lord knows what truly can. 

I Am Free

Right now I am sitting on the Rust coloured, disgusting looking but very comfortable couch, wrapped in Muaaz's fluffy blanket, typing away with Royal Blue nail polish on my hands, without a care in the world.

Its 5:15 am now and my alarm for Fajr prayer just went off. I dismissed it.

That is what I do. I come here, turn off all the alarms on my phone, with that I turn off the monotonous boring judging routine as well. My 'not a care in the world' switch is turned on automatically.

I leave all of my worries at the door which has the "Pirachas" sign hanging loop sided above it.

I need this. After a hectic week or two, I need to come back to this house, see my life over here and know that this still exists. The 'Live In The Moment" sign, Eiffel Tower and the colourful bed spreads are all reminders of me still being a 19 year old with a huge reading list, a small pocket and a lot of crap. I instantly become the Sumaica who says whatever comes in her mouth and tells her mother to stop taking everything to the heart.

In that house, I am the grown up version of myself. The version that got married, started living in a real bedroom with colour co-ordinated furniture, walls, curtains etc and has had to listen to more drama.

I am a free bird over here, where my mind actually works at 6 in the morning and I start writing. I dream, make plans, think of the future, hope for higher things and be happy in what I have.

The other me is just too busy dealing with everything else that at the end of the day, when she comes to bed, all she thinks about is if something that she did or said will go south the next day.

I take off the embroidered Bareeze suits, gold sets etc, put on my smiley pajama pants, double layer the t shirts, put my books in the bag, grab my laptop and I am out of the door to be my free self. My mom was not home today but I still came because I needed to lie on this crappy sofa, have a terrible back ache, eat a load of smoothie turned ice cream and let go of everything of the past week.

When you get married, there are these invisible shackles that bound you to a typical lifestyle which you have to accept. You may not see the binding but trust me its there. You start taking into account the things that are not even present. You have to think ten steps ahead.

Its not about you.

In my case, its about my parents.

And the wonderful guy in my life.

...SAP...

He Meets People

We agree to meet outside Forever 21 after praying. Then he heads off to right while I go straight and then turn left, going to our respective prayer areas. After I have prayed, browsed around in Forever 21 for a good 20 minutes while keeping an eye outside, he is still not near the pillar with that exotic blue wallpaper. I make a trip right across the pillar, to H&M, buying earrings for a killer price of 5 QR. I come back to the designated area, when I spot him talking to someone with a smile on his face and a persona of amiableness.

This was when we were shopping in the Dubai Mall. 

It was our last day in the city. We had woken up pretty late. But had prayed Duhr in the Haram, and Asr as well. We decided to stay for the other two prayers as well, thinking that a trip to the hotel and back would cost us one of the prayers. We went for lunch at the Makkah Towers and ordered Steakhouse Burger from Burger King which was massive compared to the one in Qatar. In that half an hour, I also managed to do some damage on the pocket and get diamonds. We came back to the Haram and went to the bathroom to freshen up. When we met up, he tells me that he just met up with a colleague of his from the previous company he worked in, in Qatar. 

This was when we went for Umrah in Makkah. 

I managed to drag him to the book fair. He follows me like a disgruntled child, looking quiet the man in an all black ensemble, while I went from bookstall to bookstall, spewing out anger over the lack of books and the excess of crap. I come to terms with the fact that I have to do with that amount of books for now, so I start looking seriously and completely forget the world around me. When I turn to find the sales man, I see him shaking hands with a man and saying something to him. 

This was in the Convention Center Qatar. 

The first guy was someone he played with, in one of his cricket teams. The second, a colleague from a previous company and the third, was a guy he used to say Hi to everyday in the lift of his previous employer. He didn't even know the name of the last one. 

This is not normal for him. For he is not a very social person. He does not have tons of friends. He doesn't hang out with his buddies on the weekends or stay out late watching movies. He doesn't keep up with where his friends from school are. He hates attending social dinners and weddings. 

But he meets people. And people meet him. He is well liked by them all. I find this enchanting and a little surreal. I have seen people flocked to my mother but that is because she is social to the core. Over the past months, there have been many more encounters but these were the ones I remembered. 

I do not know what it is it that makes this happen but its cool to say the least. 

The only people I see are the ones who are necessary to run away from, for my own good.

...SAP...

2014 ! The Year of Survival

2014 !

Where should I start from ? I think I should address the elephant in the room. I got married. YIKES ! That still sounds shocking to me. Every time someone mentions me being married, I turn around and try to take it in. I have not succeeded in that. Yet.

A friend of mine told me to enjoy every part of my wedding process. And I did.

Damn, man ! I freaking loved every single bit of it. It was awesome.

2014 started with us changing houses. I finally got my own room but got to reside in it only for two months.

Because our next venture was the trip to Pakistan. My dad tried to convince us to order everything online and get it done with it. But I wanted to go there and do everything myself. So I went. It was two awesome months including a lot of trips, adventures, things that deserve their own writing.

2014 taught me that things do not go the way we want them to. That doesn't mean that we don't get what we want. Its just that the path leading us to them can be slightly different, sometimes longer, sometimes twisted, sometimes even straight. So do not freak out if something out of the ordinary happens to you. Just be patient and trust in Allah.

People are mean. And this is coming from the person who has been the victim of our society many times. But when you get married, this meanness is up to a whole other level.

It has taken me a lot of time to get my head wrapped around everything that has been going on and trying my best to not take everything personally.

It was the year of personal growth. I have become more patient, more accepting and tolerant. Living in a joint family teaches you a lot. You don't always get to do things the way you want. And it takes a bit of strength to not go mad. The hardest thing I have learnt is to keep my MOUTH SHUT. Oh God ! Don't even get me started on this one. I have always been the person who says whatever she wants, without thinking about it first. I do not take crap from anyone. And its so hard to keep those instincts down. To smile and keep my mouth shut when all I want to say is, what a LOAD OF CRAP ! Okay, I admit. I get it out on Abdullah. You gotta do what you gotta do to keep sane.

Also, you cannot really be sarcastic. But that's fine. I balance it out with my siblings.

The reason I did not blog about my wedding has been procrastination. Simply, because I ended up watching a lot of youtube instead of writing whenever I got the chance. Also I just did not want to write. And I am a firm believer in doing things when you want to. And yeah, I was afraid of what people would say. I got my share of sarcastic remarks, you would say, on me getting married. The ironic part is I know that I have had the same thoughts on someone getting married at 19.

Every few weeks, Abdullah asks me if my views have changed on getting married young. My answer, NO !

Why make your life hard when you have it easy ?

But that is not to say that I do not enjoy it. I have had my share of awesomeness in the past year. I have traveled a lot. I have gotten to know Abdullah better. I say this to him a lot that if you had not made it worthwhile, I would have run away a long time ago. I have made another best friend.

2014 was basically the year of survival. While I didn't reach the winning stream, I didn't drown as well. I did things on my own pace.

Basically, I survived.

....SAP....